THE DEENA SHOW

2012-01-30T11:56:00.006-07:00

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

As much as I hate to say it...Lynne and I had slacked off...a little. I didn't think late nights with The Guy and Ty had affected us, but maybe? One day the two of us were in the green room waiting for our next class to start. It was getting close so as we checked the board with the schedule one last time, we saw that class that day wasn't in that building but at the theatre. Now, this was sometimes the case but we had made an honest mistake in not seeing this. We booked it out of there and ran the couple blocks up and avenues over as fast as we could. It felt like we were running in molasses, like it does in a dream. We weren't going to get there fast enough. We rushed in and ran up the stairs only to have this teacher tell us he was sorry, and in a rather unapologetic tone, and shut the door in our faces. Shit. Remember what I said about not wanting to miss class? It was very frowned upon. And I think Lynne and I were starting to get on our classmates nerves with being in our own little world. I'll never forget the two of us laying on the stairs, panting, knowing that what had just happened was not good. Like I often do, I tried to make light of it and laugh once the initial shock had passed, but she wasn't having it. I didn't know why her reaction was quite that strong. We weren't in danger of getting kicked out. But I think this was the beginning of our "falling out".

When we were no longer in the same classes the final semester, I was bummed. Things began to get awkward between us. She seemed to be befriending those we had complained about before. I was realizing we'd slowly been isolating ourselves, but she was the one I still wanted to hang out with most. I had no interest in bonding with classmates I hadn't gotten close to by this point. I wasn't going to suddenly have a new bestie, so instead I had spring fever.

I had found some of her behavior questionable but never would have stopped being her friend. Like when she chose not to be involved with "Balm in Gilead". She said her bartending job plus school load made it too hard. I was surprised, I mean, why were here then? But I figured she needed to do what she needed to do.

Ty also broke things off with her around this time when he met someone new that he was pretty crazy about.

I remember her telling me that she'd had a conversation with this older red head that was also a student. She was someone the two of us previously said we couldn't stand. She was more of a teachers pet than I'd ever seen anyone be, including elementary school. I got the vibe she thought our behavior was inappropriate, but I found hers to be, too. She was married, but could always be found sitting on the lap of another student who was also married. They were constantly flirting and pretty inseparable and I was always super uncomfortable about it. It was the first time I'd really observed something like that.

Anyway, Lynne told me one day that they'd talked and she'd explained to the red head that the two of us were younger and had bonded and really needed each other and related to each other. The red head explained that since she was much older, she couldn't behave any other way than taking school as seriously as possible. I guess they came to some kind of understanding and I felt both the need to also explain myself to the red head, too (which I never truly would have) and also a bit of betrayal from Lynne.

As we slowly drifted apart, Lynne seemed to get stockholm syndrome from being in class with the red head and really started trying to shape up, or kiss butt, or...I'm not sure what. But it seemed like her final semester was going to include me less and less.

The day she stormed in, I think I asked if she was okay. She responded with "I'm pissed". I asked, "at who?" Truly surprised. She just glared at me. "At me?!" I asked. "Yes!" She said. I can't remember what was said but I was mostly speechless as she told me that she was upset that I had missed another class and was basically upset I wasn't behaving like her. This was the first time I'd ever been on this end of a confrontation and I didn't know how to respond. I do remember that Steve (who was also no longer speaking to me since he thought I'd ratted out his forbidden relationship) was sitting nearby and went into the green room to announce to everyone that Lynne was yelling and we were fighting.

I didn't know what to do. I felt isolated, my feelings were hurt and the thought of school ending was now even more bittersweet. I don't remember if that was our last conversation, but we didn't have many more days left. So we spent them avoiding each other.

How had this happened?

Looking back on it I think it was her version of "tough love" but it was an uncharacteristic way for her to go about it.

All I knew was that the days of myself, The Guy, Lynne and Ty were done. In fact, the days of Lynne were done.

May 30

"...The Guy was now working at a new restaurant. A mexican restaurant in Brooklyn. One night I went to meet him and we got into a little argument over his upcoming Industry Night. Apparently he'd been talking to Lynne about doing a scene together! I was getting upset, I didn't want to, I did not like where it was going. He thought I was mad because I wasn't doing a scene with him. Which had never even crossed my mind. Anyway, that's when he said it. All on his own...he called me his girlfriend! At first I didn't even realize it. He was saying, "I can't do scenes with girlfriends". I was like, "I don't care, I'm doing a scene with Oscar already" blah blah blah. Anyway he had to point it out to me that he was saying the G word. Then when I got it he hurried away to get more drinks. He came back and we went over it again and it seems to stem from talking with Heather. He said he can't bullshit her. She knows how to get things out of him. He figured out how long we've been together - and about time - just what he has! He got jealous hearing about The Star, and seeing a work friend hit on me...

...he said we should try out living together now, when I get back from UT! I said okay and that was it! I'd been wanting to but was going to turn it down if he said it was just for saving money or convenience. I thought we'd really have to sit and hash it all out. But all of a sudden it was just going to happen, and most importantly I wanted to do it because it felt right...

...so fast forward to [a few nights later] searching for the Ex Ex Girlfriend [Who I guess was in town again?] to get MY KEYS, couldn't find her, whatever, went and drank and had a fabulous time. Lots of talking. Getting to know more and more about each other. Getting closer and closer. Loving how he's referring to me as his girlfriend. The next night I went to his play, everyone knew I was the girlfriend at last, I'm introduced, well...yet to hear him introduce me that way, but loving he'd already told people. At the bar he said he's been counting us as 1 & 1/2 years! And at his restaurant when he'd introduced me as a friend, he said it had made him cringe. How I give him his space, all those things added up to his realization...

...being at his show as his girlfriend was awesome. Sitting with his director, talking about him, [and about another student you might have heard of, named Kristin Bell, just before she hit it big!] him kissing me in front of everyone. Watching the next few plays side by side closerthanthis. Acting like - my boyfriend?!"

So for a moment, despite my loss of Lynne and my uncertainty of life after graduation...all was right in the world. The Guy had not only called me his girlfriend but had asked me to move in! The Guy. Maybe I really was about to get everything I'd wanted and waited for for so long!

Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html
Part 32: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-new-york-diaries-part-32.html

My New York Diaries - Part 32

2012-01-29T16:44:00.004-07:00

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

My mom, Adrianna and her husband flew to NYC to see me in "Balm in Gilead". My dad was too sick at the time to come. And believe me, if my dad couldn't come to something that I was part of then he was sick. Those were the years when he was really in the throes of his illness. Adrianna and her husband were staying in a hotel, my mom with me.

The Star came to one of my performances and sat with my mom and Jenny. Sean, The Guy's little brother happened to be there, too. In the hall at the end of the show The Star rushed up to me and planted one on me. Not a big kiss, but a kiss nonetheless and everyone saw. Including Sean. I thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head.

Later I found out that Sean had told The Guy and it made The Guy jealous! I was never more grateful for having met The Star.

The Guy came to see my show and afterwards we went out for drinks with Jenny.

May 30

"...I got up to go to the bathroom at some point. I came back and The Guy got up and Jenny start telling me how she had said, "you have a great girl there", and he said he knew, I was great, I was amazing and how the one thing he wished he could give me was confidence. Confidence in "us". That when he talks to another girl friend or hangs out with another girl it doesn't mean anything. I'm Deena. Well that did it. That's all I needed to hear. And that's when everything changed. The rest of the night was awesome..."

"...I did school and shows and hung out with my mom. How crazy the next time we're in NY it's me living there, shes' staying in my apartment instead of a hotel, seeing my play in which I am the lead, my graduation!"

"...The Guy called one night but I couldn't go out, so we planned tuesday. My mom would be leaving in the morning and it was his day off. "

My mom met Sean, the three of us went out to my favorite mexican restaurant one afternoon. But she never did meet The Guy. Adrianna and her husband met him, though. After the two of them saw my show we went out for drinks. Sean came too. I remember having a great time but later her husband told my mom he didn't see the two of us working out. I wonder what we came across like, so many years ago. I wonder what he observed. Something? Maybe nothing. Who knows. I don't remember the conversations of that night but I still have the pictures.

I remember putting my mom in a cab then heading downtown to meet The Guy for a movie.

"...things were still different. Good different for once in my life. Walking and talking, his hand on the small of my back. Saying, "I finally confessed to Heather." (*Heather had been a teacher of both of ours. She was smart and tough and great. He kept in touch with her since he'd graduated and would meet her for lunch occasionally.) Telling me how he told her how long we'd been dating and then freaking out about it. Then at the movie he kept a hand on my leg. We went out for wine with Sean then back home I was complaining about how I was about to be homeless and he said, "yeah, we gotta talk about that.". I got a funny feeling when he said that, but said nothing. The next morning we were laying on the couch wrapped in sheets when he said, "let's have a relationship talk". Let's not! "I was thinking, since we both need a place to live, for the sake of saving money, we could conceivably move in together." Ten million thoughts just went through my mind in a split second. Did he really just say that? He went on to say how he doesn't know if it would work, he's been talking it over with Ty for awhile, Ty didn't think it was such a good idea since he's about, "seen us kill each other a couple of times" and how he didn't even think it was a good idea. He pulled out a notebook and started going over mathematical figures of what it would cost to move into and live in a two bedroom apartment. How it was small and we'd all need to have our lives outside of it for it to work. This was all coming at me so fast. I couldn't process it. He wanted us to debate, to take turns arguing sides. He kept asking me what I thought. I couldn't say. I needed to let this in! He said to talk to Lynne and Jenny to get clarity, opinions, etc. He said Lynne would be against, Jenny for (of course). He said I needed to talk to them because, "there are too may smiles right now". I said, "I'm just surprised". He said, "well it's a surprising question." I said, "can I think about it and we'll talk about it over the next little while?" He said, "like over the next few months?" Yes. Okay. He used a term that caught my attention. He said, "we could potentially break up." Break up? He was also talking in long term, like if it didn't work out we'd just be signed for that first year. Year? He did say some typical things that I could have done without. Like, "and if you decide to date other people you just can't have sex at our place". God. Then we got into a huge discussion about the Ex Ex Girlfriend. She had been in town! She slept in the same fucking bed as him! She'd try to cuddle up to him! He said he didn't tell me because he thought I'd freak out. He didn't bring her to my play because she wasn't worthy. She got upset when he didn't come home that night and why do I think we slept at my place that night? He kept saying how disgusting she was, how she had no soul. Anyway, I'm getting sick just writing about her..."

We had one last showcase on the main stage to do before graduation. This was something our class put together ourselves. We each had to write a script. If I remember correctly it was about ten pages. They'd chose a few that we'd actually perform and we'd be cast and could even direct if we wanted. I wrote about a guy and a girl in a relationship where the guy wouldn't commit. As she leaves him, she gives (or maybe recites, I can't remember now) this poem she'd written:

THE HEART
I've spent a lifetime preparing for you.
Clearing my heart out for you.
Making your space ready.
But you aren't available to fill it.
But someone else will take it. One day.
The heart can wait.
It can listen.
It can hold out.
It can accept and it can reject.
But it makes it's own decisions
and on it's own time.
But it will be filled.
The heart does not remain vacant forever.
A love will find it that will be the perfect size.
An exact fit.
Made to measure.
And it will feed it.
And it will grow.
And it will be satisfied.

My "play" was more of a diary / fantasy of what I wasn't able to do in my real life. I knew it wasn't going to be chosen as a performance piece but I wrote what I knew. What I was living and I felt very brave to bare my soul to my classmates, as each play was read out loud.

School was almost over. What now? Was I really going to live with The Guy? When would I perform again? What kind of job would I get now? Could I do it? Survive in this city, in this life, with these people?

Little did I know a chain of events were about to happen that would leave me feeling like I'd just stood in front of a firing squad. The first was losing Lynne. She was a once in a lifetime friend and it never crossed my mind we wouldn't always be friends. But there had been some weirdness lately, and on one of the last days of school she came in like I'd never seen before. Fuming. When she loudly announced in front of everyone, "I am pissed", it took me a minute to realize she was saying she was pissed at me.

Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html

"Good Things Utah" appearance

2012-01-21T10:52:00.002-07:00

On thursday I went on a local morning TV show, "Good Things Utah" I may be back on...you just never know! ;)

Here's the interview:

http://www.abc4.com/content/about_4/gtu/featured_on/story/Deena-Marie/CxeFmqihYkC7kvnS9eEXIA.cspx

Lana Del Rey

2012-01-10T12:05:00.006-07:00

The other day I saw that my friend Billy had posted a video on facebook. I rarely watch videos people post, so I don't know why I clicked on it (if I do click on one, I almost never make it past the first 10 seconds).

When I started "Born to Die" by Lana Del Rey I was instantly in love. Her voice, the words, her look, the video. Oh my god. My new favorite. I've listened to it now more times than I can count, as well as all of her other songs that are online.

Her debut album comes out later this month.

Her music is so heartbreaking to me. So visceral. I can't get enough, it hurts so good.

"Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough I don't know why"

I'm baaaaack! Poetry writing me.

2012-01-05T10:47:00.004-07:00

I used to write poetry like crazy. I have a large collection I'm very proud of and I WILL have them published somehow, someday. Over the years as life settled into routine and work and normalcy my poetry well dried up and went away. I missed it, but I couldn't force it. I thought it was something I would never need or be able to do again, even though I longed for it. But the last year and few months especially makes me think something is stirring in me once again. I have come into contact with new muses and new experiences and as I'm processing, I feel words bubbling.

I feel myself begin to need this once again. I think this is the year for some new...stuff.

I can only hope it will be as good as it once was.

My poetry collection:
http://deenamariepoetry.blogspot.com/

Love letters, submitted anonymously that really inspired me when I discovered this site last night.
http://collectiveexperience.org/love/sugar/letter.html

Tweet me: @DeenaMarie

2011 Year in Review

2011-12-31T10:13:00.020-07:00

Another year has gone! I'm going to break this one into two parts, career and personal.

CAREER
The beginning of 2011 was "The Persian Quarter". This one ended up being quite the journey for me. It was one of my favorite theatrical experiences and it will be hard to top the place this one has in my heart. It began with a staged reading the year before, to the world premiere at Salt Lake Acting Company to being asked if I'd be interested in auditioning for the next production at Merrimack Rep. I found myself in New York at the callback this summer, and while that would be the end of my journey, I loved, appreciated and learned from every moment of all of it.

I was in a national magazine, and got to see it on opening day of "The Persian Quarter". How cool was that timing?

I modeled for Black Chandelier quite a bit this year, including a photo shoot for the website, a shoot to promote a runway show that took place in the summer, walking in the runway show in body paint and little else, and then a rooftop photo shoot with mannequins, boys, swords and daggers. It doesn't get cooler than that, people!

I modeled for OpieFoto (boudior) for the second time, this time it included a promo video that turned out beautifully.
http://opiefoto.com/boudoir/video

I walked in the SLC Fashion Stroll for designers Jordan Halversen and Danny Nappi and Misc Boutique.

I modeled for the cover of City Weekly for the first time.

I did my second SLAM with Plan-B theatre company and this one I especially enjoyed because I had such a hilarious piece written by Matthew Ivan Bennett.
It was so much fun that I wished there had been another opportunity to perform it. Or perhaps put this one on film in the future.

Had some great gigs through my agency, TMG.

Workshopped a couple projects with Plan - B.

Recorded a couple radio sketches with Matt Bennett and Jay Perry.

Did the Plan-B reading of "A Doll House"

Modeled Krista Nielson swimsuits in Fashion Night Out, runway at the Gallivan Center.

Modeled with my baby dog, Noodles for the upcoming Pinups for Pups calendar!

"A Man Enters". The world premiere of this play at SLAC went so well we even extended a week! I loved my cast and performing this piece, playing Dana who I liked to think of as a glamourous hippie.

I modeled for the cover of The Mix of the Salt Lake Tribune in beautiful dresses from Whimsy Boutique.

PERSONAL
The ten year anniversary of September 11th came this year, and I dealt with some feelings I'd been ignoring for quite some time. I also got to talk to one of my dearest friends who I rarely see anymore, but was with that night. I blogged it all.
http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html

I saw old friends who I don't see much of now because we no longer live close by or life just gets in the way of getting together. I made new friends who became surprisingly close. I also grew closer with existing friends who I found have the ability to make my very soul happy. These are the people to keep connected to.

I had one of my favorite Halloweens ever. And by Halloween you know I don't just mean the day itself, but a total of three huge celebrations. 'Tis the season!

This also happened to be my year that I began down a new path of spirituality. Synchronicity led me to discovering Shirley MacLaine, reading "I'm Over All That", "The Camino", "The Pilgrimage", "Sage-ing while Age-ing", and "Many Lives, Many Masters". My life has significantly changed and is continuing to. For the first time in my whole life I have a spiritual path with a name (I never thought I'd want that). I've never felt more comfort or wanted to learn more about what I've only just begun to discover.

I have my first item for my bucket list. To walk The Camino. While I didn't get to this year, I am not concerned. I now know that "it is a privilege to be called to The Camino" and I am certain I'll find myself on it exactly when I'm supposed to be.

I branched out physically. Instead of just zumba I incorporated the gym itself. I never knew how much I'd love weights and machines and how much I need working out, for every aspect. Mental, emotional, physical, etc. It's all tied together and if I miss a couple of days the difference is huge.

We all know I have had my hair every color and every length over the last, well, nearly 15 years. But this year I found my favorite shade of red to date and have felt most like myself. Thank you, Steven Robertson!

I went shampoo free and decided to wash my hair significantly less. It simply doesn't need it. It's been nearly a month and so far, so good!
http://simplemom.net/how-to-clean-your-hair-without-shampoo/

I changed my skincare routine the end of the year. Thanks to Amanda Mahoney for letting me borrow "The Skin Type Solution" by Leslie Baumann, MD I learned I was still doing things wrong for my particular skin. I have struggled for years. Two rounds of accutane were expensive and hard on me. I try very hard with my sensitive skin to make it look as good as possible. But you can imagine my surprise after taking this test to learn that the current over the counter products I was using were exactly the opposite of what I should be using? I learned about new products I didn't even know existed, ordered them, and guess what? So far, so good. My dry skin has never looked better! I strongly recommend giving this book a try.

I went to NYC twice this year! I saw "Spider-Man" twice, "War Horse", "Godspell", and "Venus in Fur". How one person could see such incredible theatre all in the same year is beyond me. I feel so lucky to have seen each one of these. Each one was absolutely stunning and fantastic for many different reasons and I leave so inspired I could burst. "Venus in Fur" is my dream role. I need to play Vanda. Not just want, it's a need.

I also got to meet Reeve Carney, my biggest celebrity crush. A boy in band, a rockstar, cast as Peter Parker in a "Spider-Man" musical on Broadway? And he looks like that? If I made up what my ideal celeb crush would be and described his appearance, you'd have Reeve. And guess what? He's super freaking nice.

There were also a few scary family moments this year. With my uncle and my grandma, both on my moms side. It was an eye opener and a reminder for how much family matters.

The biggest lessons I have earned this year:
1.) Things will happen and you will feel nothing like you expected. It will be completely different from what you've imagined it to be like in your head.
2.) That timing can be ironic and you'll feel it's completely unfair and impossible but that everything is unfolding exactly as it should.
3.) No matter how old you are you still need your momma and your daddy.
4.) It's about what you do have, not what you don't have.
5.) If not now, when? You are never ready for profound life changes. But you don't always get to decide when things are going to happen.
6.) I heard the words accept and allow for the first time. Really heard them. It's life changing. I don't always remember this, but I'm learning and applying.
7.) It's okay to feel exactly how you feel about something, anything.
8.) We really are all one.
9.) We decide how time passes. Allocate your time. Use it wisely. Be in charge of your time, don't let time control you.
10.) Don't be in a hurry. Throw out the checklist. Life is long. There is so much more to go.
11.) We create our own reality.

Here's to a new year, the unknown adventures and learning that await us all!

Tweet me @DeenaMarie

The Definition of Deena.

2011-12-27T14:29:00.003-07:00

If you could look me up in the dictionary, this is what you'd find.

Deena, Noun :

Tweet me: @DeenaMarie

Christmas, 2011

2011-12-25T15:49:00.008-07:00

Among my favorite gifts today were an iPod touch, a Dwight K. Schrute bobble head, a sweater I've been wanting from Urban Outfitters and a big candy unicorn horn. Last night's favorites were a Legend of Zelda bag and a canvas painting of my dog.

I love Christmas eve. It's fun and feels special and you know there is still more to come. Christmas morning is always a little cozy, a little magical and a little anticlimactic. Because when the day is over, then what? There's that awkward week in between leading up to New Years Eve then when January 1st hits it's back to real life and the cozy magical time is over and it's time to get back to work. And usually with a burst of extra vim and vigor. Christmas day begins the reflection for me, and I already start thinking of what I'd like to take with me into the New Year. I will write a lengthier blog wrapping up this year but for now there are a few things I'm going to be mulling over and trying to apply starting now and into 2012.

Tweet me: @DeenaMarie

Rick Perry - STRONG

2011-12-21T18:08:00.002-07:00

Rick Perry? He's got nothin' on Little Miss Honey Bee!

True Calling

2011-12-11T09:50:00.001-07:00

Saying yes to your true calling gives way to the power to bring your ultimate success to life. You no longer waste precious time and energy on things that are not of utmost importance to you. Rather, you awaken the wealth that lies within you and easily find ways to share your greatest gifts with the world!" ~ Marsh Engle

I cried at "Breaking Dawn" and I'm not ashamed!

2011-12-07T18:17:00.011-07:00

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm either a teenage boy trapped in a chick's body or a gay man. A really fabulous gay man.

I don't cook.
I don't clean.
I don't decorate.
I don't make crafts.
I don't like kids (unless they're related to me or an offspring of a VERY close friend).
I like to shop by myself, super fast. Or order online.

Okay so it's looking more like teenage boy.

It doesn't even dawn on me to do things most girls do.
Not to mention...

I laugh at fart jokes.
I make too many fart jokes.
I think most chicks are crazy.
I have more dude friends than chick friends.
I love video games.
I love superheros.
I swear like a sailor.

But I do like coffee dates, lunch dates, fashion, dressing up, and Twilight.

Okay so now it's looking more like fabulous gay man.

The moral of this story is that a week or so ago I had one of those emotional reactions that only my fellow females will understand. I went to see "Breaking Dawn" and I cried pretty much through the whole thing as I ate my ice cream. Seriously. Only chicks will get this, when I ask what happened to Kristen Stewart? How was she actually so good in this one? She didn't twitch or fidget and she looked gorgeous. Girlfriend is growing up. It was totally Bella's movie. You could feel everything she felt. Her walk down the aisle. How nerve racking it is until you see your dude standing at the other end. The way she was looking at herself in the mirror before she finally got to knock the boots with Edward, the way she looked at herself after that milestone. I seriously liked it. I can't wait to go again.

And even though I'm not ashamed to admit how much I love Twilight, that even when it's so bad it's still good, you know I like to poke fun at...well...most everything. So here you go. My reenactment / summary of my Breaking Dawn experience in 2 minutes.

http://www.cityweekly.net/utah/article-357-15105-deena-marie-watching-breaking-dawn.html

Tweet me: @DeenaMarie
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/TheDeenaShow

My New York Diaries - Update

2011-11-29T16:45:00.004-07:00

Oh my! It's been almost exactly two months since my last post! The show I am in ends on December 11th and then I'm heading out of town. To New York, in fact! I then plan to take the rest of the month easy and enjoy the holidays before January comes and I have to crack down on memorizing my next script. I do, however, plan to take the time to finish my New York Diaries. Yup. Finish.

This is a project VERY close to my heart that I started at the beginning of June and is described at the top of each entry like this.

"I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!"

As it gets time to get back into this and wrap it up I want to make sure anyone out there who is reading is caught up. Or anyone who wasn't aware and wants to read, is now made aware.

After I wrap up my story, the final entry will be a "where are they now". I'm also debating about adding photos and the best way to do that, since names are changed. Blurred faces? Just as they are? Or none at all to keep it all a mystery?

Then? Slowly, over time, I attempt putting this together in book form. Any tips on doing that are welcome. Here are the links in order to where we are so far. My blog isn't letting them show up if I make them clickable so sorry for the copy & paste. Anyone out there know why or how to fix that, please let me know!

Tweet me @DeenaMarie

Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html

Hey! I have eyes, too!

2011-11-28T11:03:00.009-07:00

I'm sooooo sick of reading stuff like this:

"Men and women are built differently. Men are visually stimulated and women are more emotionally driven, so the temptations for a man to be attracted to a person of the opposite sex, based simply on looks, are far greater than for a woman. On the other hand, women are more enticed by touch, by closeness and by emotional understanding."

I don't agree. This does NOT apply to every woman (men, I can't speak on your behalf). I don't feel like this is the norm that I've necessarily experienced or even observed.

Sure, I may be a taken woman but I have eyes.

Trust me when I tell you that women are JUST as visual as men. I can certainly appreciate the following and if in a fantasy land I certainly DON'T need them to reach an emotional understanding with me.

Better yet, they don't even need to TALK. :)

Tweet me: @DeenaMarie

I flew!

2011-11-24T11:00:00.008-07:00

Last night I had my first flying dream! At least as I think it was my first. If I've had one before, I can't remember it. Just a week or two ago I was talking about dreams in the dressing room at the theatre with the other two girls in the cast. When they mentioned flying dreams I said I'd never had one, and wished that I would.

I'm into dreams. I'm into the meaning of dreams.

I have the same dreams. As in I'll get into a cycle with a recurring theme and then after I've dreamt that a few times it will be something else. I first noticed it with the apocalyptic dreams, then it was water. I always dream about my dog. And sometimes a terrible dream about my dog in water. Sometimes I know exactly where they stem from, and sometimes I have no idea but it makes such an impact on me that I know it must mean / represent something.

Like my dog sinking in water. Usually in a bathtub, not being able to swim, just sinking. What is that?!

When I dream out of the "cycle", when something breaks the norm it's usually very vivid and I think about it for days and again, I am curious as to what it means and why I thought it up.

Before this play opened, I dreamt of my childhood home. It was my old porch, my old backyard and round tables were set up for all of my family to sit at and eat. It was a reunion or a party of some kind. It was a sunny day. I think I was in a long dress. I don't remember who exactly was there, other than I knew it was family. I was also there as a baby, around 1 year old. I was in a fuzzy yellow onesie that I've seen myself in, in pictures in my moms photo album. It wasn't supposed to be another baby, it was me. But nobody seemed weirded out by that. I got to meet me, and spent most of the party carrying me around. I could feel the baby me so realistically. I was heavy. I could feel the texture of the onesie. I loved and cared for this little baby me.

I am pretty sure of why I dreamt this one. It was a combination of things in my life and lines in the play. Family was weighing heavy on my mind, what with what's going on in my real life and doing a play all about a family. But I do wonder if there is deeper meaning because it was me. My inner child? Something that needs extra care right now? I'm not sure.

The next big dream after that was running from a tiger who was eating everyone in it's path. It wasn't bloody, it wasn't gory. I just knew it was happening. I kept climbing up high but the tiger could climb too. One of the actresses in the show brought me her dream dictionary and there were a few things it could have meant. One being ego! I just don't know.

Then last night I finally got to fly. It was outside, it was day time and I think I was near a beach. My Sweetheart was a part of this one. He stood behind me and I told him to hold on. I went to spread my arms like wings, and stuck out my right arm. He hugged around my shoulders, my left arm was still pinned to my side. I told him to hold me lower, so I could "use my wings", or something along those lines, even though I didn't actually have wings.

Then we flew.

I think there were moments he was in control, too, but then I took over completely and told him I could do tricks. It was fun and I could go high, dip down low, twist, etc. I began to realize while we were flying what I was doing, and I couldn't believe I was just finding out I had this ability. In my dream I had a plane ticket somewhere, across a sea, and I said if I could do this (and I could fly fairly fast) then I would be able to cancel my plane ticket because I was pretty sure I could make it the distance across the sea...

Right now I think this dream represents one big freeing sigh of relief. I feel that I'm learning so much lately and after some ebbs and flows with what I feel I should be doing, where I should be in my life, my creativity, my relationships, my family, I'm getting into a spot where I feel such gratitude my eyes tear up when I think about what I DO have. I feel things shifting and settling and happening all around me and I feel good. I feel things have cleared the way to show me what is right. There are no coincidences. Things change so quickly in a life. I feel things are moving to show me what is important. I feel my focus has done a 180 and it's suddenly become about what IS, not what ISN'T. Another ever so tiny step toward a higher consciousness, you might say.

Oh soul, you worry too much. You have seen your own strength. You have seen your own beauty.You have seen your golden wings. Of anything less, why do you worry? You are in truth the soul, of the soul, of the soul.
- Rumi

20 Things I currently LOVE.

2011-11-20T21:44:00.008-07:00

Things I currently love.

1.) Turkey Lasagna.
My dad bought one for us from Costco a few months ago and I was scared of the turkey-instead-of-beef part. I haven't had beef, pork or sea food in over a decade and even chicken and turkey can make me a little nervous. I am not food adventurous. I like what I like. I eat like a five year old. I could live on pizza and bean burritos. Oh and pickles. And candy. But when I tried it? New favorite! Now we eat them as much as humanely possible.

2.) Eggnog Lattes.
'Tis the season! Is it just me, or did starbucks get them early this year? Every year my friend and I have a contest to see who can drink more. Last year I doubled her number with my 30 nogs. So far this year I am at 9 she is at 6. Who will win? The anticipation.

3.) The stage.
We have extended the run of "A Man Enters" at SLAC which is rare and exciting and I couldn't be having a better time. Acting is a constant state of learning and growing no matter where you are in your career or what you've done. The stage is my safe, sacred space.

4.) My family.
The timing of family members getting sick couldn't be worse. It sure starts making you face and think of things you didn't think you'd have to anytime soon. It also puts things into perspective and surprises the hell out of you.

5.) Reading.
When winter comes and it gets cold out I hibernate. I just want to stay inside in my jammies, cuddle my pup and read. I love ordering my books from Amazon. I get excited when they get here. I just can't switch to a kindle yet, I just can't.

6.) Working out.
I can't believe how regularly I've been working out for over a year now. It really has changed my life and I can't believe what it does for me mentally. Especially in winter. What a mood booster. All ya'll should do it for your mental health alone.

7.) New Adventures.
There are both career adventures and family adventures I'm excited for in the near future and ready to make happen.

8.) Not expecting.
Don't set yourself up to fail or set yourself up to be let down. It's not fair to you and the other person or situation. Just accept, allow and surrender. It's all unfolding as it should.

9.) Reeve Carney.
What can I say? I'm still in awe of his beauty and talent. Now he's dating Ashley Greene so she is now (sorry Ashley) on my people to punch in the face list ;)

10.) Wax Tailor.
Try the Wax Tailor station on pandora. It hasn't let me down yet.

11.) Being me.
Just being myself regardless of what anyone will think, or do, or expect of me.

12.) Gin.
And I thought vodka was my favorite?

13.) Beavis and Butt-head
Oh lord, I am SO happy they're back. Butt-head has always been my favorite.

14.) Photo shoots & runway.
Always have, always will. I'm very aware that time is fleeting and one day I won't be asked to do such fun things.

15.) Gratitude.
I'm learning more than ever before that being grateful for what you do have is the name of the game.

16.) Making time.
Making time to do what you want, what nourishes your soul. Shirley MacLaine says we decide how time passes. It's so true. Allocate your time. Use it wisely. What a difference it makes when you're a little more aware rather than letting time control you.

17.) Quotes.
This isn't a new love, but it is such a gift when you find one or more that fit you at an exact moment and give you comfort every time you think of them.

18.) The Crucible.
I'm beginning to think that "The Crucible" might end up being "the one that got away". I've had several brushes with this show. My senior year of high school we put this on and I'll never forget my drama teacher taking me out into the hall and in a very upset tone, telling me that I, "really messed up The Crucible...big time!" When I chose to take the lead in "Cinderella" in a theater outside of school, he gave me a small role instead of a lead. I was okay with my decision, and looking back on it I wouldn't have changed it for the world. But it was a show that went on my dream list. I was recently up for it out of town and now it's coming up for the first time at a local theater. I'm already booked during this time and it's a theatre that rarely gives AEA contracts, unfortunately. But I can't wait to see it. I saw it on Broadway and I love the movie. It will always be a special one.

19.) Complimenting.
It doesn't take anything away from you to give a compliment, and it's not about keeping score. If you like what somebody did on stage, tell them so. You never know how it can make their day, and yours as well. We don't support and encourage each other enough. Cattiness and/or keeping yourself contained can be bad for both ends.

20.) The New Girl.
Zooey has the best hair. And this is definitely the best new series.

tweet me: @DeenaMarie
Facebook: Facebook.com/TheDeenaShow

Thanks for reading! :)

Loving your loved ones.

2011-11-04T10:02:00.013-06:00

Ever feel like you're stuck in a loop, learning the same lesson again and again? This week I realized that I am. I have had such a roller coaster with friendships the last year or two. Ending friendships, rekindling friendships, meeting and growing closer with new people, etc. But one thing I keep going through is constant disappointment in the friendship department.

I keep getting my feelings hurt.
I keep feeling as though I care more than others.
I feel like I give more than I get.

I'm constantly inviting friends to things or sending info to something that might interest them. I try my damnedest to make it to their events. I am by no means a perfect friend and I've canceled on people before but I also know how bad that sucks and I remember what it feels like before I do it. I try my hardest not to bail. But I get the last second text that friends are bailing all the time.

I let a lot slide. Probably too much. I don't think I would have cared or noticed when I was younger. It's funny, you'd think as you got older your friendships would take a backseat to career, marriage, family, etc. But I find that the older I get the more important others become. As I grow up I care about others more, I'm not so hyper focused on myself, therefore I can get my feelings hurt easier.

I know we are all the center of our own universes and we're all busy, but sheesh.

I know long gone are the days of hanging out with friends every weekend, that's not what I'm after. But if we're only seeing each other once every six months or so? How is that a friendship? I just want a little effort returned.

This is why I love/hate the internet and texting. Sure, you can keep each other updated on Facebook and stay in touch with long distance friends or relatives, or even meet new people. But when it comes to your "real" relationships, I don't want to communicate with you in ONLY this way. And when I think you're going to come somewhere, I get excited to see you and can't wait to tell you what's going on or even -gasp- ask your opinions about things going on with me. But then I never get the chance.

In many of my friendships I've set myself up to be the listener. Which normally I don't mind, until I realize I'm never asked how I'm doing, or how I'm not thought of.

I am a firm believer that when something repeats, it's time to take a look at the common denominator. In this case, it's me. I'm more than willing to take a long hard look at myself and if I'm doing something wrong I will admit it and work on it. I'm still pondering this...but so far I don't feel as though I'm a bad friend to anyone. In fact, I think the problem is that I'm too concerned with it. I'm giving to much of myself, expecting too much from people in return. I hate to say this...in fact this has been making me really sad the last few days...but I think I need to both invest and expect less. I need to turn my attention elsewhere and conserve my efforts. I need a little self preservation now. I keep putting out my energy, my feelings, and I keep getting wounded.

Maybe if I stop inviting, stop trying so hard I won't be able to be bummed out when I get turned down. I'm not trying to be passive aggressive, I'm being serious. I also don't want to feel or build up any kind of anger. I need a little time...I am able to shrug it off and move on. I want to accept what is and not be upset by the way people behave just because it's not the way I wish they'd behave.

It just seems like it's easy for people to let things slip away. I don't know the meaning of giving up. And if I love you? I fucking love you like crazy and am loyal to a fault.

What I'm guilty of repeating is fighting against, well, most everything. Accept & allow is a slow process, but I'm learning. If "what you seek is seeking you" (see previous post) then I know what I need now is to trust and accept that the life, relationships and connections I desire is just right around the corner.

This has also been happening at a time when things in my family have shifted. I'm not going to go into too many details right now, but a sick family member makes you think about a whole bunch of things you haven't though of before. Like how you never know when you're going to lose someone, or who it's going to be. It doesn't necessarily start with the oldest relatives.

With all of this going on, it sure points out who is there and who does support you and once again my mind is absolutely blown at the incredible person that is my sweetheart. I get choked up just thinking about him. How can one person you can meet by chance, and who is not a family member by blood, care and love you so much? The kind of a commitment between a husband and a wife is like no other. Unreal.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I truly don't know what I'd do without him. I am very, very, very lucky. I know what we have is special and rare.

I know it's time to grow up, focus elsewhere and change my life.

There is no perfect time to change it, but there are times that are better than others.
All signs point to now.

There are other fish in the sea.
There's more than one way to skin a cat ;)

That's it.

Thanks for reading. The next post won't be so debbie downer, I promise!

Tweet me: @DeenaMarie

"What you seek is seeking you"

2011-10-20T01:13:00.001-06:00

"What you seek is seeking you" - RUMI

The following is copied and pasted from:
http://lessonsinlawofattraction.blogspot.com/2008/02/what-you-are-seeking-is-also-seeking.html

What are your thoughts? Agree? Disagree? Personal experiences?

* * * * * * * * * *

What You Are Seeking is Also Seeking You

Stop searching. Stop trying.

What you are seeking is seeking you. If what you are seeking is in alignment with who you are and what you truly desire (versus what you think you "should" be after in life), the universe will align itself in service to what you want.

So what does this mean?

1) You can stop the pain staking struggle to "get it right". The illusion that something is "out there" that you need to get or find keeps you in a state of scarcity. With scarcity, there is the idea that something may not happen. You may not find the answer. You may miss the golden opportunity. This is a story. And the story is fed by the very notion that you have to seek something out.

2) The universe wants you to succeed. That's right! If what you are seeking is also seeking you, it's safe to say that things are lined up in service to making what you want happen.
Welcome this paradigm. The universe actually is designed to help you create what you want because it rejoices in your joy and abundance! Joy and health are your birthright.

3) You already are in alignment. Because you are another expression of the life force that the universe is comprised of, you are naturally connected to the very essence of the life giving source. Actually, you are the life giving source. As such, you are meant to succeed. As such, you are already connected to that which will enable you to know what you desire. You don't need to try, you just need to allow yourself to become what is true for you and receive. You need to realize this truth and then act as if so that you let that which you are seeking come to you. It wants to. Let it!

So what can you do instead of searching and trying?

1) Relax.
2) Trust.
3) Affirm.
4) Open.
5) Recieve.

BRB

2011-10-16T12:21:00.005-06:00

Oh my goodness I was on such a roll with "My New York Diaries" and then rehearsals began. When I'm rehearsing my brain is completely full. I'll get back to them when I can.

Week #2 of rehearsals complete! Halfway. Got the flu. Ick. Cancelled all weekend plans to stay in and rest up.

Joined Pinterest. IN LOVE. I have gathered quite the collection of photos over the last couple of years and it's the perfect place to have them all uploaded, organized and not cluttering up my desktop.

http://pinterest.com/thedeenashow/

Join me! I've got great boards such as: Dreamboats, The Army I'm building, Creepies & Cuties, My Entourage, Sweetie Treaties and a zillion others.

BRB!

Tweet me: @DeenaMarie

Dead...but not dead.

2011-10-05T21:12:00.010-06:00

"Undead. Dead...but not dead."

by one of my favorite artists, Natalie Shau

I've started rehearsals for my next play, today is day three. This play is so layered, so rich. Really beautiful. Yesterday a line jumped out at me and I've been pondering it since. In a nutshell, the play takes place over one afternoon/evening where a family is getting ready to throw a party for their grandma and they speculate if the father the two adult children haven't seen in twenty years will be there. I play the wife to the son. In a series of scenes that are both real time as well as fantasies, we get many different glimpses into the versions of their father as they imagine him to be now and what it would be like to confront/rekindle/ask their questions/tell him how they feel.

In one scene he is imagined in a vampire costume and when asked if he's dead he replies, "undead. Dead but not dead." When this line was discussed there were so many meanings and all seemed very much correct. He's in the vampire getup to be imagined as looking foolish/because he's sucked the life out of the family/because he's had the life sucked out of him/etc. There was much more but I can't remember them all. What struck me, was the fact that I'd literally just described losing a person (and not because they've actually died) in your life as a death.

Obviously as I've been writing my "New York Diaries" I've had a lot resurface through the last few months. I've slowly begun to learn more about why I was attached to people I was attached to, what role September 11th played, what has changed over the last decade and surprisingly what hasn't changed. I consider blogging about it the bare bones, the timeline. Expanding it into a book will be a different beast. But right now what I can say is that obviously it was the time of greatest impact...yet it's a time I'm so far away from. When I write it, I feel as though I'm living two timelines at once. They're almost happening to me simultaneously, viscerally, yet I can't go back to those places or talk to so many of those people.

It's almost a mind fuck as I work on the NY Diaries project. I know they're out there, they're just no longer a part of my life. I can only speculate what life is for them now. I can remember, I can romanticize but I can't pick up a phone or send a message or bump into them on the street. So very much as the characters do in this particular play, I can only imagine my versions of those I once knew, and what it would be like to run into them now.

It's like some of those people who seem so alive in my story are the undead. They're dead but not dead. They can't be here, but they're out there. Very much alive, but not able to be...or maybe even meant to be in my life. Bitter sweet. Life is so funny. It's amazing that whatever you're going through at any given moment will shape both what you hear and the way you interpret.

Tweet me @DeenaMarie

Natalie Dee. You're welcome.

2011-10-02T19:51:00.002-06:00

So funny. Thanks to my friend Nell who introduced her to me at the beginning of the year. If you haven't seen her comics before, I suggest you take a look: nataliedee.com

My New York Diaries - Part 31

2011-10-01T17:26:00.004-06:00

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

My birthday was just around the corner. The Guy got me a present, two great seats to a play starring famous actors, including Willem Dafoe. I thought that was all kinds of cool, until he told me he couldn't go with me and I'd be going with his brother Sean. I loved Sean and actually went to a few shows with just him, but it was my birthday present and The Guy wasn't even going? There was always a catch. I don't know if I was getting used to it or didn't want to scare him again so I didn't make an issue of it. I was happy to get something.

The play turned out to be awesome and I loved getting to see Willem that close and personal. He wore a loincloth the entire play and I don't think I'd ever seen someone in that kind of shape before. His body was unreal. He was skinny, but ripped. Not one ounce of fat on that guy.

Taking tickets was one of the girls from school. From way back in the beginning who I had once done a scene with. One that had lied about her age that first day when Tucker had us all say out loud how old we were. When I found out she'd lied by three years and had been offended I couldn't believe it. I hadn't known about the whole actor/age thing yet. She'd since left school and as I saw her from across the theatre I wondered why she had ended up behind the scenes, and if she was happy.

Jack and Julie arrived in NYC. They came straight to school to meet me. We'd planned that Julie would be staying with me and Jack would stay at Jennys. I was surreal to have them there. I'd actually been to NYC with Jack before as a senior trip right after graduation. He was swindled trying to buy a fake ID, all his money was taken and he was left ID-less. It's always an adventure with him and I couldn't wait to see what was going to happen this time.

This was one time in my life I was proud of my age, actor or not. The bar I chose for us to celebrate at was the place to be and be seen. I was holding off on going there because I was sure they wouldn't overlook me "forgetting my ID" or crying until I got in. They'd definitely ID me and I was so excited about it.

I headed over with Jack, Julie and Jenny. Lynne and The Guy would be meeting us later. I walked up to the bar...and walked right in. The one time I wanted to get carded, and nothing! Despite feeling like I'd missed a right of passage, I was determined to have a great night. We had dinner upstairs and them moved downstairs for drinks. Jack kept ordering midori sours and every time he'd come back to our group and set one down, he'd turn to talk to some other people we'd just randomly met. Julie and I would then drink his drink and when he turned around we'd blame it on someone else. It went on for awhile and we thought we were so funny. And sneaky.

Lynne came. The Guy came. I think Sean stopped by. The Guy had just come from some kind of a performance, I don't remember what, but he looked handsome in a suit and tie. He met my friends and had a drink but was in a mellow mood and was going to be leaving soon. What? Leaving my party? I told him I wanted to go with him. And I did. I left poor Julie and Jack in the hands of Lynne and Jenny and took off.

At the time I was happy to do so. And thank goodness I had great friends who didn't mind. On both parts. To be left, or to take in those I'd left.

The next morning when my head was clearer I was worried and wondered where poor Julie'd ended up for the night. She'd spent the night at Lynne's and had gone to another bar where you can not only dance on the bar but you can give them your bra for their decoration. I'll never forget her telling me, in almost a whisper, "I donated my brassiere!"

Jenny and I had recently discovered a bar in the east village that had kind of become our new spot. We'd drink then walk right across the street into the burrito place at four am and eat the biggest burritos you've ever seen. Remember what I told you about this kind of diet doing nothing for the figure? Yeah.

But we loved this place and we took Jack and Julie there. I remember Jack brought up the Old Flame and was telling me things about him and his ex girlfriend that I didn't really want to hear. The girl that the Old Flame said had ripped his heart out. It weirded me out, I didn't want to know stories or details.

When I was at school, Jack and Julie would sight see and then we'd all meet back up. Jenny met us one day near school and we were all talking about where we'd be going next as we were getting on the subway. Right then, the doors closed with Jack and Julie still outside and Jenny and I on! It was right out of a movie. How had it happened that my two out of towners just got left? It was also really funny. Mostly because Jenny shrieked and put her hands up on the glass that looked like she was seeing them for the last time. Thank goodness they'd heard enough to know where to go, and we met them quickly.

New York seems so impossibly big, but I was learning all the time how small it really was. In fact, from the moment I'd set foot there I kept seeing people I knew. Once I even ran into a girl from high school in the middle of times square. She was vacationing and I was running out for ice cream, looking like a hot mess. It never fails. Those times when you run out not wanting to bump into anyone, you do. Even in times square. I would see many of the same people at auditions too.

One night Jack was at Jenny's and Julie and I were together. We went to a store so she could get a CD. This was a CD that reminded me of The Guy. We played it a lot and this was also a store we'd meet at regularly if we were going back to Brooklyn. We walked in, got her CD and ran right into, who else? The Guy. We ended up going to a bar I'd never been to before and having a great night. We danced on the bar and talked to all kinds of "new friends". It was the kind of night where you wake up the next morning, look at your pictures and wonder who these strangers are in them.

We went back to Brooklyn and I was pretty excited about taking Julie back to meet Ty. Julie was super cute and single. Ty was going to die. Except...he was out of town. The one time I have my available friend with me (Ty and Lynne were not exclusive). But at least this meant Julie would get to stay in his room and have a night in a bed to herself rather than squishing in with me on my futon.

Jack, Julie and I also shopped and Jack bought the infamous Jesus Christ Action Figure. We hopped on the subway and, lucky us, got into a car with a crazy person. A guy ranting and raving about something religious. Jack pulled out the action figure and held it up. The car was full and they all laughed and applauded. The ranter was actually completely silenced!

It was time for them to go. The way the flights worked they'd be going to LA and spending one night there before going back to SLC. And they'd be staying with the Old Flame. Of course.

Everything just kept connecting.

And also ending.

Endings of the most unexpected kinds and strange turns of events were, I was about to find out, going to happen over the next few months.

I just didn't know that I was already in those final months.

Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html

My New York Diaries - Part 30

2011-09-30T22:43:00.002-06:00

My New York Diaries - Part 29

2011-09-29T11:23:00.006-06:00

Remember remember the end of September...in pictures.

2011-09-28T10:02:00.003-06:00

Photo shoot yesterday with Laurens Photogrpahy. Find her on facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Laurens-Photography/187329591315640

Updated headshots...

My New York Diaries - Part 28

2011-09-27T22:03:00.009-06:00

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Jan. 22

"So, picking up where we left off...it's getting fuzzy to me at this point. But we talked. We were able to talk. Seriously, rationally. We ended up going to [champagne bar] right across from Ty's restaurant. Finally we were alone. We walked down there arm in arm. He asked about the Old Flame and if I'd heard from "that guy". And when I said I was going back to Utah, he asked if it was to see "that guy". I told him we were still talking and he writes me [emails]. Anyway, we're drinking lots of champagne. I've had a sneaking suspicion he's slept with [more girls than he'd let on] and cheated before. So later in the night I ask. He's slept with more than he can count at this point but he guesses [double the number he'd told me before]. He said he cheated on the Ex Girlfriend with her best friend. He was saying he just didn't have a connection with the Ex Girlfriend. He said she knew he cheated. I was finding out she really was never the threat I thought, which made more sense.

This turned out to be the weirdest night ever. He was saying some fucked up things. It sounded like he was having an identity crisis. He was talking about going to visit the Ex Ex Girlfriend in LA, buying a suit to "schmooze" in, and trying to be "the guy" that he used to be. The one that "had men and women falling all over him." Full of I guess, "charm, charisma, personality." He was saying he needs to get that back. I felt like I said all the right things that night. I don't know if I did or not, but I did for that moment. I told him it sounded like he wanted to be fake. I told him he should ask me what I see in him sometime. That I wouldn't tell him, then. I asked him at one point, "are we gonna be okay?" And he said gently, "we'll be okay, I just need some space." He got up a couple times and both times this man ran over to me trying to get my number. I gave it to him the second time and he asked what the point was of being out with The Guy. He never called. One point - him.

Come to find out this night, The Guy and *Little Actress did have a something once but she was "too weak" for him.

*Little Actress was a year ahead of me and in class with The Guy. I remember seeing her in a scene from "Hamlet" and she was fantastic. She was very petite and had a shaved head. Her face was absolutely stunning. I know her and the guy were friends and I felt a little threatened by her. A few times when they'd hung out or talked on the phone I was worried about it and always wondered if something had gone on.

I was seeing weakness in him for the first time and I felt myself growing more and more confident. He was talking in oxymorons. No relationship, blah blah but then he's like, "I'm getting old. I'm so old, I gotta start thinking about marriage and fatherhood." He said he wants a wedding in Greece, in an old theatre. I thought that was the most beautiful thing I'd ever heard. I am still wondering if it's his own dream or a dream with someone else. Anyway, to my surprise we end up going home together. Ty meets us, exhausted, but seems to like me more than ever. Maybe he thought all was well. So once we're in the cab, he puts his arm around my waist. We get back and sit and talk to Ty for awhile. Ty goes to bed. We kiss and go in his room...

...we get up, ride the subway, but he's not making an effort to keep a conversation with me whatsoever. He wont even stand near me. I make the mistake of asking him to a movie on tuesday. He looks at me smiling like, "you know that's not going to happen." He does kiss me goodbye. And that's that. This next little bit, this waiting, was the worst few days, well almost week, ever. It was an absolute eternity. At first I felt empowered by seeing him weaken. I felt fierce and doted on and carless the first two days or so. Then as time went on I just wanted to forgive and forget and take back the awful night and be with him. I couldn't imagine my life without him suddenly. I wasn't ready for this. I thought he was out of my life. I didn't know how I was going to handle this. I thought I had ruined everything I'd worked so hard for. I had made up my mind for him that he was never going to call me again.

Lynne left Ty a message, saying we'd be at the show thursday. I was getting more and more paranoid about this. I thought it might be too soon. Then wednesday night Jenny and I went to a movie. [She slept over at my place] We had crazy dreams that night. I dreamt of The Guy out on a date, drinking wine. Toasting, clinking glasses, getting to know a new girl. We're on the phone and I ask him if he's on a date and he says yes but that he and I will remain "good friends". It's a girl he met on Ty's show. So I wake up the day of the show with a sinking feeling. I feel the most negative yet. I am sure it will be a disaster, I wake up in tears. I'm completely at a loss. All signs point to no. Even last night, that song that says, "how's it gonna be when you don't know me anymore" came on. I haven't heard it in years. It's been in my head and what are the odds it would play? So then I get up and to go a rehearsal. I'm having my coffee [where I always had coffee and lunch by ATC] when my phone rings with a message. I'm expecting it to be my director with rehearsal info. But it's The Guy. And it's good. And he's saying he hopes to see me at the show. "Please come. We'd like to see you there tonight. I'll see you tonight. If not, I'll be put off". His tone is upbeat. I cry. I can breathe."

Remember a few blogs back when I talked about the "Amelie" crumble? It happened again. But this time, in a good way.

"So we go to the show, The Guy changes the scenes. He walks on. Lynne gasps, "he looks so handsome". Always. And it's so weird. I don't even dare to write these things...but I saw for a minute, or felt for a minute what it would be like for him to be my husband. And as he bent down to lift a table, I pictured how he'd bend down to lift a child. I saw him as a father. Oh god! Shake this off! So afterward we see each other but he's still "shy". We go to a bar for drinks and Lynne and Ty are cuter than ever and I want The Guys undivided attention but know it's not going to happen just yet. We go back home and Lynne makes The Guy sit up front [in the cab] which reall put me off, actually since she knew we were just getting back to normal...

...in the morning things are good and he's smiling again. The night before he says he's a lot happier, especially without the restaurant [he's just quit]. I told him I worry about him, he said not to. I I told him that all those things in him he thinks he's "lost" are the things I see.

I go to rehearsal happy...

...I can't believe it could all feel this way. And I just love him...

...I want to see him every morning by me. I have no desire to build this up with someone else, if that could even be possible. I don't know what all this means or how to word it or what to say...I just have to leave it with this right now. I'm in the airport now, in the cab. On the way here I couldn't stop thinking about how we almost - how that was almost it. How close I came to losing him and realizing, maybe, just what he is to me. For better or worse."

So much had happened in such a short amount of time. I thought I'd wanted to escape back to SLC for a minute and now I didn't want to. He thought he needed to escape from me for a minute and now he didn't want to. So what way would this go from here? Better? Or worse? I'd now realized, or at least admitted I was in love. And I was trying my hardest not to let him take over every last ounce of me. There was still school...you know, the reason why I'd moved here. And there was still the casting of the big show to stress over. What way would it all go?

Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html

My New York Diaries - Part 27

2011-09-26T19:15:00.003-06:00

My New York Diaries - Part 26

2011-09-25T12:12:00.005-06:00

My New York Diaries - Part 25

2011-09-23T10:39:00.015-06:00

My New York Diaries - Part 24

2011-09-22T16:31:00.007-06:00

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dec 15

"On my way home to Utah. Longest span away, six months! Last night I got my validation. My ending on a good note. The Guy calling me, seeing him, spending the night, him saying cute things. Us in good spirits. Him telling me [I was going to get hit on while away at home] "of course you'll get hit on, you're Deena!" Ty's boss asking if we were together, him assuredly saying yes. Well, "mm-hmm" and a positive head nod. I was completely crazy about him. [That night] I woke up and couldn't stop staring at him. I thought he was the cutest thing in the world. It made me smile. He told me he was going to miss me...

...Ty and Lynn are together. Have been since mid October. It can create a weird dynamic, the four of us. Sometimes I don't want it because The Guy was all mine, the whole adventure, discovery of him was mine. I guess now Lynn is a part of that. And it's a lot of fun to talk about and having Ty distracted is nice. Anyway.

...This break is at the right spot. It ended on a good note, the note I needed. Good to reflect, get away now. Play in another land and see what that does to both of us. How it makes us feel. I'll talk to him on Christmas if he doesn't call before then. Times like these I'm very grateful to have Lynn to hold down the fort and report to me. The Guys best female friend and "very attractive" little sister are coming to stay with him which was driving me nuts for awhile but now not my priority to stress over. I need to have more confidence in why he's with me. Still working on the jealousy...

..[the ex] he put her number into his new cell phone. He said before they don't talk. I can't compete with history. So I need to write this here and leave it here for now. An hour and a half to go and it's back to the homeland. It'll be so weird. I wonder how I'll feel there."

I didn't write at all for those two weeks at home. I saved up all that happened and got it out as soon as I was on the plane back to NYC. I somehow ended up being upgraded to first class. I don't know how or why and I remember watching the lady next to me to know what to do. I had no idea what the hot towel was for, so I took my time while watching her out of the corner of my eye and then trying my best to wash my hands with it as if I flew this way all the time. I so badly wanted to order a glass of wine, but I was scared they'd card me. I sure could have used one to go along with all that I was ready to pour onto the page.

December 30

"On the plane again. Getting ready to fly back - home. This is the first time I can confidently say that. I mean it. I'm in a big ass plane, it's like the one I was on going to Hawaii. I'm wondering if [where I'm sitting] is a mistake and if someone will come and tell me to move. I can't get over how big it is, how nice everyone is. Anyway. Jesus God, this is such a significant vacation back here. I spent the first week just with family. Christmas shopping, dinner with Adrianna, dinner with the parents, Christmas eve at Adrianna's. But the second week was pretty much spent with someone else. The Old Flame. [See part 19 of my New York Diaries for more regarding the Old Flame. We'd dated in high school, had gone to prom and when he moved away to college he broke my heart by cheating on me and lying to his friends that he had slept with me when he hadn't.) I hadn't gone out until Saturday, then I went to [a club] with Benny, Julie, her boyfriend and his friend. Then - to Adam's.

* Benny was one of my closes friends. I'd known him since Junior high. I remember when he came out. He soon started dating a handsome boy and they're still together to this day! He was a hell of a dancer and has since moved into the medical profession. We don't live in the same state and I very, very rarely see him now but he was around for a lot of significant things in my life and I will always love him dearly. Julie was one of my best girl friends and we have remained close to this day. Adam was the Old Flame's best friend through high school and I'd had my share of nights hanging out with him. He was nice, but crazy. I hadn't been able to quite figure him out back then. Now, he lived in a house with some other guys and they were known for it being quite the party house.

I thought for awhile I'd go. I wanted to go. I wanted the Old Flame to see me. I was ready this time. The Old Flame and the First Kiss were the two I wanted to see. On the way to Adam's I find out the First Kiss is getting married - that VERY day! So I was a little bummed, a little weirded out. Anyway, we're at Adam's, he's not home and we're sitting with guys I've never met.

*First Kiss...pretty self explanatory. The timing was never right. I had kind of kept him in the back of my mind. I was hoping to run into him at a local spot he still went to, and the place I'd met him. Roller skating. More than anything I was just curious, and I wanted him to see me in my fancy New York glory.

*Remember when I talked about the synchronicity of things a few blogs back? Here was another one of those strange past, present and future kismet moments. The First Kiss was getting married. I was about to see the Old Flame, and years later I'd learn that the man I'd end up marrying lived just across the street!

I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to ask or get ahold of the Old Flame. We call Adam, the Old Flame calls back. At first I won't say who I am. I finally tell him who I am, he doesn't believe me, almost. He says they'll hurry. He sounds excited. Then Julie wants to hide from them. We're in the bathroom when they come in. I hug Adam first, then the Old Flame. We all stand around in the kitchen for awhile drinking wine. A tequila shot. The Old Flame goes ON and ON about his career, (The Old Flame was an actor too and had also left the state. He was now in LA and back in SLC for Christmas vacation.) how he wants to take Starlet Who Was Very Famous to his premiere, how he wants to go on a date with Very Famous Rockstar, he hung out with Very Famous Singer, etc. He said he had an ex girlfriend who he fell completely in love with and she ripped his heart out. It bothered me a little to hear him say he'd been in love, but at the same time I thought, "well he got it back!" We all go upstairs where they want to partake of Adams bong. I'd seen Jack earlier in the night and he said to, "steer clear of the cookies", so I go ahead and ask for one.

*Jack was a close guy friend and although it's rare I see him now, I absolutely adore him still. Julie and Jack will be coming back into the story in the spring, when they come to visit me in NYC.

Plus I involve myself in the passing around of a joint and a pipe. Plus I drink a jack and coke. I move over to sit by the Old Flame and we're in our own little world for what seems like quite awhile. I didn't realize how far gone I'd be. It always hits suddenly. I've never had so much fun on weed. I laughed my ass off over everything. I could barely breathe . Then the Old Flame said I was, "so incredibly hot". At the beginning of the night he gave me a heartfelt apology. Ending in will I forgive him? He kept saying how good it was to see me. He said I had no idea how long he's been wanting to get that off his chest. I was his only regret, he had to apologize. He'd played it over and over in his mind. As the night when on he told me more and more how glad he was to see me. He said his heart skipped a beat when he saw me. Anyway, so we're all upstairs and I don't know where Julie is. Benny is running around with his pants down. Then he comes upstairs with my pashmina wrapped around his head and starts telling a joke that went on forever and kept repeating himself. Then I started getting sick. Trying to fight it but I couldn't do it. I felt like I was being forced down. I started getting queasy and went to lay down on Adams bed. I ended up barfing. Quite a bit, I think. I don't think the Old Flame ever saw. How embarrassing. I don't really remember the way things panned out from there but he totally took care of me. He stayed when I asked him and chose to be by my side up there. He went downstairs at some point and came back up saying how he's hearing things down there about me and a someone in New York. How if that's a good thing he doesn't want to mess it up. I said, "I wouldn't let you." Anyway, I guess Benny told him I had a boyfriend. But I don't know what I said. I don't know how I worked my way out of that one. I think I just said I didn't. Anyway, I think it was probably before this that...we kissed."

What was it The Guy had said about getting hit on...?

Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html

My New York Diaries - Part 23

2011-09-21T10:19:00.020-06:00

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I kissed another boy. Maybe you're thinking it was The Star? Nope. I hadn't even seen The Star since Jenny and I had gone to see him play softball in the park, shortly after the night of his birthday. All the plans we'd made the night of his birthday had fallen to the wayside because it was obvious my heart was elsewhere. But I still had to self preserve.

"...While I'm leaving these demons on the page - which is a very good idea, I think - let me get out that I kissed another boy. Like two days after Thanksgiving. His name was Random Boy and he was twenty five. Jenny kissed his friend. It was at Charles and Oscars housewarming party [Charles, his on again / off again girlfriend and Oscar were now roommates at a new place in Washington Heights] which was an absolutely ridiculous drama filled night. I gave Random Boy my number. He called twice. I broke plans. No plans or desire now to see him. But not forever. He was such a nutcase I'll probably call him up one night and have him meet up with me to entertain me and my friends."

He looked a little like my old friend from home, Rob. Rob who I'd had such a hard time leaving at the beginning of this NYC journey and who I'd missed so much. He was becoming more like a distant memory. A friend from the past. I think the fact Random Boy looked a little like Rob had something to do with it. But more than that, it was me thinking I was protecting myself. The Guy wouldn't tell me we were committed so I wanted to show myself that I could still do whatever I wanted. I could keep my options open and I could get some ammo in case I were to need it. I was so worried that The Guy would be in a position to do just this...kiss someone else...and it would kill me. So I wanted to do it first. But kissing someone else wasn't really what I wanted, and I never saw or spoke to Random Boy again.

Charles and his on again off again girlfriend living together turned out to be a disaster. Charles was awesome...if you weren't dating him. In his relationship he was bat shit crazy. Jenny, Oscar and I witnessed screaming, crying, door slamming, running out of the apartment kind of drama. They were a bad combination and poor Oscar was living in the middle of it.

There was only a little time left at school now before I'd be going back home for christmas vacation. I hadn't missed school again. We were working on something that all the second years do, called the "Through Line". This was a lengthy scene you were assigned by the instructors to work on all year. They chose your partner as well. Once again, it was interesting to see how they see you, what they want to see from you and how they'd cast everyone. I fell in love with mine, playing the title role in "Electra". I really liked this project. There was always more to do. One of my favorite things was to choose the piece of music that fit the story to me, and use it with my scene partner (the girl playing Electra's sister Chrysothemis) in a physical improv in a movement class. Music and movement I'd found were invaluable and magic to my acting. My song was "Deliver Me". I couldn't have found it more perfect for my Electra.

*Song is posted at the end of this entry

The beginning of the new year would bring a showcase and the scene assigned to me was from "Leaving Las Vegas". I read it and thought it was absolutely beautiful. The end was so sad to me. I was heavy and emotional when I finished the script. My partner would be Steve. I was pleased with what I'd been assigned and with my scene partners.

We'd also all soon be hearing what our final, full length play would be. I couldn't wait.

But with just a few days left in NYC before the break, I wanted to see The Guy as much as I could.

December 2

"...One year ago today I was in a stairwell with a boy named The Guy. One year later we're waking up together, having our coffee, dying his hair. I never write about him. Really write about him. So one year to the date of our first kiss I will try. I got him to go to 'Moulin Rouge' on wednesday. It didn't start off perfectly the way I'd envisioned. We went out to eat and he was talking about an ex girlfriend whom he'd lived with when he was 18 or 19. She met him, 'lot's of chemistry', whatever. She ends up moving in, both their 'socks in the same drawer', etc. Later on down the road she tells him she has a miscarriage. He says he never knows if it was true or not. WHAT?! So he said from then on he spoke his mind and hated labels. Lately he talks about other women, famous or random women who he thinks are sexy and it only adds to my insecurities. He thinks every other woman is hot. I keep reminding myself that his ex wasn't cute and I'm much cuter.

*His type seemed to be dark haired, badass, gothic beauties. Something that seemed so different from me. The ex mentioned (who I'd only seen in pictures) was not at all that type. Light hair and average. I felt in the middle. What category did I fit into? Did he find me as beautiful as the girls he flat out said were beautiful? Or was I the other kind of beautiful? The kind that got to be in a real relationship with him?

Anyway, I hate to hear these things, and it was on 'Moulin Rouge' day! So we watch the movie and I cry (the eleventh time I've seen it). I just wish we'd been holding hands or something. Then we sit through the credits. I didn't have to ask him to, which was nice. Later - fast forward to when we're in bed - and it's 'Moulin Rouge' day for gods sake and I feel like he doesn't want to kiss me. So I start pouting and turn away, like I've been doing because I have this built up resentment to him because of the label issue. Anyway, he puts his head really close to mine and nothing happens. "What are you thinking?" He asks. "Nothing", I reply. "You're lying", he tells me, "You're funny". I ask, "Why? Tell me why?" He responds, "Not until you tell me what you're thinking first." Silence. "Why didn't you kiss me just now?" Moral of the story it was all about him wanting to see if I'd make the first move. I told him I had thought he didn't want to kiss me...

...[later] he says, (quoting 'Moulin Rouge') "Did you think life wasn't wonderful now that you're in the world?" WHAT?! "What did you say?" He continued, "cause his life is damn wonderful now that you're in the world." I wanted to cry. I felt weird all the next day. I 'm so torn up. I start concentrating on the negative, the jealousy takes over and I can't stop thinking about his exes or other girls out there. I create these scenarios in my head. I've got to stop dwelling on the bullshit or I'll wreck the best thing that's ever happened. I'm completely torn, split in two when it comes to him. Half of me says this is it, bus stops here. Since day one I saw him and he's the guy. I think I might love him, or am falling in that direction. I just want to be with him, could very well spend the rest of my life with him. On the other hand I think, how can I wait this out? How can I keep letting it be all about him? Biting my tongue, biding my time? Not speaking my mind for fear of ruining it. These extreme highs or lows. And somewhere in the middle I tell myself to be patient, not to fuck it up, not to be that girl. To be myself more. I keep thinking how he's staying with me. We've had some shit. He's seen me cry. He's had to say, "I don't want to lose you". Words I've heard before, but never gotten passed. So I almost get angry. Why? Why is he sticking by me? *I keep expecting him to fade (reference to a poem, posted in it's entirety at the end of blog)...Jesus I do have an obsession with love. Why do I want it so badly? What happens if I'm free? Maybe for two weeks in Utah I'll see..."

And once again, life was about to take a very unexpected turn. I never could have imagined what was about to happen in those two weeks, and back home in SLC of all places!

Someone was about to come back into my life...and ultimately change it forever.

"Deliver Me" by Sarah Brightman

*I Keep Expecting You To
a poem by Jewel that I have had memorized for years, before I even moved to NYC

keep expecting you
to fade
to wake up one morning
and not care
so I
keep myself
one carefully measured step away
in anticipation
of your love's decline

so when your check turns
and you attention
wanders
elsewhere
my heart will not be left
all awkard
hanging
from an elastic thread
you forgot to pull off
your old pair of socks

for it's in your nature to
lose interest suddenly
we are both artists
who suck the marrow out
of each lovely bone

It just happens to be
my lovely bones
this time

How Bare

Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html

My New York Diaries - Part 22

2011-09-20T15:00:00.009-06:00

My New York Diaries - Part 21

2011-09-19T13:03:00.003-06:00

My New York Diaries - Part 20

2011-09-14T10:49:00.007-06:00

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Sept. 14

"...I want The Guy to realize he wants to be with me, but I feel he doesn't know the real me to know that yet. Is it my fault? I feel like it's been harder lately with Ty always there."

School started. I was so excited to be in the same class with Lynn this time. It was also a relief to no longer have Martha around. I learned she wasn't the only one who either hadn't been invited back, or had quit. I still had Oscar, thank goodness.

I couldn't wait until we started doing school plays. The first one would be happening soon. It was called, "Museum" and it was a strange piece but a large cast. I see now how tricky it must have been for our teachers to choose a show that could include everyone. There was really only one "big" female role. That role went to Lynn. I thought the world of Lynn in every way. She was damn talented on top of being cute, fashionable, fun. In my eyes she had it all.

I was hardly in love with the play, but it was fun to see how our instructors saw and cast us. My role was one of the many small ones, I played the best friend to Lynn's character and we were at the museum to see the art work of an artist we were fanatic about and possibly the artist herself. It was alright, but I wanted my chance to do something, to do more.

I dyed my hair jet black. This was the beginning of me changing my hair regularly. I still do. It's been every length and every color. Now it's because I get bored with the same thing and I love to change it up. It's just hair. Back then I was trying to find myself and find how I could look and feel my best. Back then I didn't know how to take care of myself properly. I didn't know how to eat right or how to work out. I saw myself for the first and only time in my life gaining weight. Late nights of alcohol, food and lack of exercise was changing me. I hated it but I wasn't sure what to do. I remember the first day I came to school with my black hair and a teacher (who I always see in movies and on tv) passed me on the stairs and said, "you're so extreme, Deena!" I wasn't sure how to take that back then but now I think of it and can't help but laugh. I love that.

There were two girls in school with me who were absolutely stunning. Tall, skinny and gorgeous. I was so in awe. They were a couple years older. How did they look like that? What were their secrets? How do I do that? Supermodel 1 was super cool. She had the best clothes and was a bartender. I remember going to the bar she worked at one night and she made me a cosmo, my drink of choice. Seeing her there only made her cooler in my eyes. I remember nothing about her acting ability. I do remember she came to school on the first day of our second year even skinner. She walked in and we all did a double take. The difference was alarming. You know the scene in "Amelie", where she crumbles? There are those moments through life when you feel exactly like that and you know you'd crumble just the same if you could? That was one of those times.

Supermodel 2 was nice but could come across as prissy. She was from the midwest and seemed like it, although she'd lived in NYC for quite some time. She was very close with Harriet. They were a funny pair visually, night and day in height and looks. Supermodel 2 could not act her way out of a paper bag that first year. By the end of our second year I saw her do some work that impressed me. She'd grown leaps and bounds. It was a strange thing to witness. I think there is something to be said for natural talent but also for formal training. She learned a skill. She really was taught something she didn't inherently have.

Lynn and I were spending a ton of time together outside of school too. Which meant she'd hung out with me and The Guy...and had met and hit it off with Ty! Just when I was going to lose my mind with the constant threesome, Lynn was there to save the day. It was nothing short of magical to hit the town as a foursome and to have a girl friend to share it with.

Even so, I still had an underlying feeling that all was not quite as it should be. I wasn't completely satisfied.

What was I still searching for?

October 13

"Saturday night I went to a psychic with Lynn. Her reader was the one to sense my sadness but she told her not to advise me. That my decisions had to be made by only me, and I'd do it. Along the same lines my psychic told me to make my own decisions and not listen to advice or outside influences. He said the ones closest to me are the ones holding me back. He said this city is very draining to me. That I need to be around nature. He says I'll be here either 2-3 months or 2-3 years. He said he sees me doing what I came here to do and won't leave until I do it. He said this is where I need to be right now and the city is good for me in that respect. He says money wont be a problem for me. I'll be successful, have financial stability, have a business of my own. I'm a leader, not a follower. He said the west coast is where it will all happen. I'll travel a lot, maybe live in two places at once. He kept telling me how sensitive I am. My ora is blue. There has been, or is, or something a lot of backstabbers around me. He said this year has brought many changes and that I have to learn to be still. Not to backtrack, not move forward, but just be still. He says the sixteenth of next month there will be a big change. A big change is coming. Career and financial wise but that it will be very overwhelming and I'll feel like putting something to the side with so much on my plate. He says I need to be taking care of myself and working on me before I can really be in a relationship and when I do know me, guys will have more respect for me. He says the guy I'm with now will be someone I'll learn a lot from. It is a positive thing for me. I care about him a lot and want him to care about me, too and he does. But he has a lot going on he needs to sort out. He's trying to figure out who he is and what he wants. That he is sensitive. He's easily influenced by others and will do things they want him to do, even things he doesn't want to do himself. He said there is a communication problem with us. A distance. That I'm not getting what I want from him and that I wont wait around for him to come around. He says that I haven't met the one and wont for 3-5 years. By 2006 I will have. He says love comes to me but it isn't a matter of the right person at the right time yet. He says until then there will be other men and it will be good, or positive, I think, but they won't be it. He says the one I'm with now should not be what I should be focusing all my time and energy into. That I need to be open to other men. He mentioned a great friendship a couple of times. Lynns psychic told her she'd meet a photographer...she'd met Ty. My psychic told me to watch what I put into my body. That I'll have a long and healthy life. All of this weirded me out and made me sad but I don't believe the seeing into the future part. I think they're sensitive people who are good at picking up on others characters or sensitivity, and the future is all a gamble. I understand now how Kyle went to his psychic and then thought he was for awhile because I feel it, too. I feel is if there is a number of people I can sit down with and lay it all out to in a way that could be articulated to sound prophetic. Anyway. I get sooooo incredibly internal and over analytical. Negative and examining myself that I can't see the forest through the trees..."

I felt awkward that Lynn was now clued in to the fact that I wasn't completely happy. I know we talked a little bit about it afterward but I also wanted to down play it. We went for drinks after and she had some of her guy friends meet us. The only other thing I remember about that night was all of us drunkenly going into a deli for Ben & Jerrys that I just had to have. I was excited to get my favorite kind. We went back to her place and she put it in the microwave despite my protests. She kept in in there for far too long and when it came out it was practically soup.

If I'd been bummed before, now I was really bummed she'd just ruined my favorite ice cream.

Postcard for our show. Here is the front, all info & cast was listed on the back:

Shot from the show:

That's Lynn on the left. That's me with the black hair & black pants. See the girl holding the camera? That's Harriet. Next to her is Steve, who's room I took in my new apartment.

Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html

Missoni for Target

2011-09-13T14:43:00.013-06:00

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9/14/2011 This just in! I went back to Target and was able to grab the last of it. The site is mostly out of stock! Finally got some items in accessories, beauty and more womens clothing. Now I think I've got more than enough. I've listed five amazing sold out items on Ebay! Find me there under shopdeenamarie and bid or share the links with your family / friends who might want it! Thanks!

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I. Love. Missoni.

Somehow I only found out that Missoni for Target was coming today...late last night! Great, I thought. I'll go! I started getting ready around 10 am, thinking if I got there by even 11 that would be plenty of time. Uh...BARELY!

I walked in to nearly empty racks. Ladies hovering around as an employee was trying to hang up the few things that were left. She could hardly put anything on the rack without it being grabbed immediately. Some of these ladies already had carts full of the stuff. I managed to grab a few pieces to try on.

I went to accessories next only to see that all that was left was a single scarf.

There were shoes that I liked, but ultimately decided to pass on those.

The sleepwear was great, and I'm surprised more of it wasn't gone.

As I checked out, the cashier said they'd opened at 8 and people had waited outside! Oh!

I went to another target, this time starting at accessories. There was one item again. A pair of gloves and they were beautiful. My mom bought them! We looked at the home goods and I bought a mug for her and a pair of martini glasses for me.

We went to the mens department and they still had a couple of great cardigans and scarfs left. I grabbed a cardigan for my sweetheart and we headed over to the womens. Even less!

I'm happy I got what I did! I didn't expect people to go so crazy for it in SLC, who knew?

It was the line I was most excited to hear was coming to Target & apparently I'm not the only one.

The Target site has been down all day, so I decided to check ebay and there are already tons of items up...and selling for much more than I just paid for them at the store. I had a split second of considering putting them up there...but I couldn't bear to part with them.

My first Missoni pieces! It's a big day :)

My new sweater skirt:

My sweater. This is my fav:

Missoni Martini:

Men's Missoni:

Gloves my mom got:

My New York Diaries - Part 19

2011-09-12T12:27:00.024-06:00

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

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I need to back up. It was super important to me that I wrote my 9/11 blog yesterday on the anniversary, and thank you for reading and commenting. Writing it on that day when my emotions and memories were on the surface the way they were couldn't have happened today, or the day before yesterday. I am so proud of that entry. It wrote itself. I may not always see many comments from you readers but my blog had hundreds of hits yesterday. It was quite a feeling to get that out and I appreciate you taking the time to read and supporting more than you know. I did talk on the phone with Jenny yesterday and got a nice message from Rachel and it meant the world to me. Jenny may be coming to visit me in November! But in jumping ahead in my diaries to September, I've left some important things out of my story. So I'm going to backtrack to July and August for this entry. Let's jump in!

I spent the fourth of July with Jenny and Oscar. Once again, our threesome was together on a holiday. We liked it that way. We went out to eat. Mexican food. Twice in one day, actually. Margaritas, fireworks by the river. We called ourselves the Holiday Kids since we always spent them together. Sometimes we found another reason for the three of us to go out and we'd justify any indulging by saying it was either a holiday or a celebration, regardless.

Once Jenny and I were in a pet store and saw some little hamsters being attacked by other hamsters. It freaked us out. Especially Jenny and she bought the two little ones that had been hurt. She named them Holiday and Celebration, of course.

One night, I was out with The Guy. I was having a magical time. Dinner then drinks at our usual spot in Brooklyn.

July 30

"..there was something in the air. Some romance, some something. A little more intense...a little more...

...all is right in the world. Then a bomb drops. "I don't know how much longer I'll be here". WHAT?! He and Ty are leaving for Los Angeles, trying for November and it sounds like if he likes it, he'll be moving there. I'm sure he'll like it. So...what? I was sad. Well, not sad, just thrown off. All night, and a little this morning. I've hashed through it all day, know how I need to handle it, put it in perspective, but...I don't know. The next morning we lay together. Like always the alarm goes off a thousand times, he hits snooze. I drift in and out of consciousness. He always seems to be asleep. Sometimes the air conditioner goes on, or the CD in the alarm starts. He jumps, wakes, repositions himself. Sometimes kisses my shoulder or forehead. Then we get up. And he made me breakfast! Eggs, toast, coffee. I like so much the little things, I realize. The fact he knows just how to make my coffee. I go in to wash my dishes and see he left his cup of coffee. I ask him if he wants it and just the act of bringing his cup from the kitchen to put on his tray...I can't even describe it..."

...I remember when my Old Flame was leaving for college...

*The Old Flame. This is a reference to a kind-of-ex-boyfriend who was a year older than me. We'd gone to high school together and in the spring of my junior year I decided I had a crush on him. I very, very rarely liked boys who went to my same school. I remember thinking he wasn't really my type and I waited awhile to announce to my friends who my crush was. Right when I decided I liked him, he got super sick and wasn't sure if he'd be returning to school. My friends and I skipped school one day to go to his house and deliver a flower with a note attached, "from your secret admirer". Me. When he found out it was me he was excited, made a recovery, and took me to the prom. I was super into him then he turned into a super asshole.

...I remember being with him on a friends porch - for the last time. I remember having our arms around each other, and for a split second he held me tight. I tried to get him to do it again, he wouldn't respond, so I, of course was left feeling stagnant. But for that split second - well it spoke volumes. I don't know if I ever mentioned that he later, much later (and recently), told my friends he wanted me to know he was sorry for the way he'd treated me...

...The Guy. What are we? For the love of god, can he just say something?"

August 4

"Today is...I'm weirded out about things. I can never shake the feeling I'm meant for things other than this world. Era. State. Life. Place. Everything. For a while now, really since spring the feeling to travel, to leave the country has been present. Strong. Can't I take take off to Europe, Africa, Thailand, tropical islands, rain forests. Make do with bare necessities, live in a straw hut? Travel, adventures, excitement. Whey do I feel like I still don't have the answers? Why do I feel like I'm still not where I belong? I know I don't want to move home. I couldn't settle there. Why am I doubting? I know I couldn't settle in NYC. I can't imagine it for another ten to twenty years. I don't know if I have the stamina to give my life to this the rest of my life. If it doesn't happen soon, could I live like this? Immersed in this world? I'm tired already. I feel like I've been there, seen it, done it. I never feel home. I'm never home."

August 11

..."I do realize the importance to me of keeping all these writings, reflecting on them. I can't believe all the stages, relationships, mindsets, personality changes I've gone through. Anyway, at least tonight I feel like I'm embracing myself. Where I am, who I am, my age, etc. And after a day of doubting my career choice I'm back to knowing it's my life. Something I'm becoming aware of, however, is keeping who I am now in perspective with who I used to be."

August 19

So guess where I was last night? All the guesses in the world and I never would have thought I'd be there. I had to lie, beg, and actually cry to get in [bar in the village] but there I was. The Star's 33rd birthday party.

* The Star. This was a guy I met the year before I moved to NYC. I met him at working at the Sundance Theatre Lab in UT. I was there to help with one of the projects and was assigned to a piece with a cast of three men. One of the men was Stephen Lang. The other two were actors with very impressive credits, including The Star who had worked on Broadway and in soap operas. He was older, he was handsome and I was impressed. Right when he arrived to Sundance, his girlfriend let him know she'd fallen in love with her co-star and was promptly moving out of their apartment. "Actors are so weird", I thought. And still do. Self included. There was a big party one night and by the end of the night we kissed. That changed everything. Suddenly here was The Star bringing little helper girl me coffee and breakfast every morning, rather than the other way around. I felt like the Queen of Sheeba. I stayed up at his condo with him a time or two. I was nervous around him but it was a dreamy two week whirlwind. If you're a theatre/actor type you wouldn't believe the workshops I saw, who was there, who hooked up with who. Maybe sometime I'll tell you. It was unreal. The Star went back to NYC when it was over and there was talk to get in touch when I was out there one day. I don't remember how or when I contacted him but I remember the birthday party. I am big into making mental and emotional notes of the timing of things. The way things unfold and the way in which paths cross. The irony and synchronicity constantly amazes me. If you pay close attention, you'll fell the world is tailored just for you. Years later, I'd be spending a summer day with the man who would ultimately become my husband. This particular day I'd have a strange call from a friend of the Old Flame about the Old Flame, and as the Tony awards aired that night and I sat watching in SLC side by side with this new man, I saw in the audience...The Star...on the arm of a woman who was nominated for a Tony! I still can't help but smile over all of it.

...so here was the day. Bound to happen. Did I need to get him out of my system? Did I need to finish what was started? Was I causing this trouble for myself to shake things up because things with The Guy felt too real? My feelings for him too real?

...I was excited to see him again. I was also worried. Worried feelings could strike again. I'm walking through the bar, looking for him. Was he there yet? And there, at the back of the bar his face jumped out at me. I wanted to take a moment to collect myself. To look at him. But he saw me. Doing a double take, it registered that it was me. Well, I had no idea what to expect but there we were. My initial reaction was opposite of what I thought. It was The Star...it was just...The Star. I was almost a little disappointed. I think maybe I wanted to feel that feeling. It was so rare. But yet...I'd still planned to see him. See how this will unfold. What comes of it. I wondered if there'd be a girl? But come to find out he's "very single". I told him I was "very surprised". I also told him I was single. It crossed my mind to say I date...but it didn't come out. He said he was surprised, and weren't guys hitting on me all the time in NYC? My response was, "yeah, but not the right ones". I don't know what I'm doing here. But he said I was beautiful. He held my hand for a moment. He sat by me. He did give me a lot of attention. Easy to talk to. We actually made a lot of plans. Tomorrow morning I'm watching him play softball. We want to go dancing, go to a movie. He's having a party in two weekends, he wants me to go. So...we did kiss goodnight. Not a big kiss. So all night I had an underlying feeling that my heart is with The Guy. I wanted to see, to hear from him desperately. I needed to "test" him today. He had to call me during the day. It was past three, no call. Suddenly at three minutes to five...he called. We're going to see each other tomorrow night. I told him I feel like it's been forever since I'd seen him. I was so happy to hear from him. To hear his voice. It's important to listen to my heart right now. If The Guy and I commit, how do I disregard The Star? I don't feel insecure about the age difference, but I wondered what it would be like with all these older friends, actors, Yale alums. But he made it a point to always introduce me. His friends were great. After awhile I felt like I was the girl."

And now we're caught up to yesterdays entry. Summer intensive at NYU's CAP21 is over. I'm living in Manhattan. Rachel's visited. 9/11 has now happened. And the start of school was only postponed by a day or two if I remember correctly. I never could have seen it coming, but there's only approximately ten months to the rest of this New York City tale. And this is the beginning of that next chapter.

Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html

My New York Diaries - Part 18, SEPTEMBER 11

2011-09-11T10:53:00.023-06:00

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

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Isn't it funny that a few months ago I started the process of recalling, re-reading and writing my "New York Diaries" and here we are, caught up to September 11, 2001 exactly 10 years to the date?

I have a very strong and what I've always felt was a very strange reaction to the events of September 11th. Now that I'm no longer living in NYC, when someone brings it up here at home my stomach drops. My first reaction is wanting to say, "but you weren't even there!" And my second reaction is catching myself and telling myself how dare I think I have any kind of a story to contribute when nothing directly affected me. I didn't lose a parent, friend, sibling or spouse. I wasn't injured. I didn't lose a job. I didn't loose my life.

But I still have a visceral reaction to it.

Back then I don't think I knew what to make of it or how to process it. I'm learning I still don't. I've also recently realized (as in within the last few days) that my story is one to share, and that it's okay for me to talk about. It's okay to say I was there. It's okay to have had my experience. It's okay for someone who was not there to be affected by it. Because it did happen to me, just like it did happen to you.

It happened to the world.

I've been sick with a terrible cold all week. Last night I stopped by a party because otherwise I would have been alone most of the evening. I was torn. With this weekend being what it is, I didn't want to be alone...and yet I didn't want to go because I was worried people would be talking about it. I didn't want anyone to say "Deena was there!" Especially because it's taken a decade to get to this particular weekend and I'm feeling even more strange and emotional then I'd thought I would. I feel so far away and yet so close to it all. So much safer and yet so much more aware that the unexpected could happen at any moment.

"Take a minute to remember where you were on September eleventh", they kept saying on tv the other night. I couldn't stand it. Are you kidding me? I can remember that day and the days to follow very clearly, thank you. The phone calls home, the empty streets and the smells are burned into my memory forever (more on that in a minute). But I did take a minute to soak in the fact that 10 years have passed. I'm a decade older and look at all that's happened since then.

I went to bed last night slightly nervous and anticipating how I'd feel waking up today. I just wanted to get to today and get through it. I woke up under very different circumstances then I did 10 years ago. I woke up in my cozy home with my sweetheart and my puppy excited and whimpering. I've made a pot of coffee, I've gotten on my computer to write this. The first thoughts that went through my head, though, were the ones about the way I woke up on this day one decade ago.

I had been out late the night before and didn't have anything to do other than sleep in. Cozy in my new room in my Manhattan apartment, at last! It was small but it was furnished to the best of my abilities. My futon in one corner, a little shelf next to my new bamboo dresser with my tiny tv on top. A rug, a comfy black char and on the top of the chair was my nokia cell phone with a baby blue cover. It lived on top of the chair at night, so that I could have it plugged into the outlet behind the chair. No alarm needed to be set and I was in a deep sleep. Probably a little hungover. I don't know. I wish I could remember where I was the night before.

I was somewhat aware that my phone was ringing all through the morning. I figured it was my mom or a friend, wondered why they were calling so early and would drift back to sleep. Then it started to seem a little strange. Who is calling me this much? What's going on? I got up and had messages from parents and friends but for some reason the only one I can remember was from Rachel. I remember her saying the words, "you must be so scared right now". I had no idea what anyone was talking about. I wondered what in the world had happened, so I turned on my little tv on top of my new dresser to see if it was something I'd be able to learn about on the news.

There was the footage of the planes flying into the Twin Towers. "What a horrible accident", I thought. I couldn't believe the odds. How could these planes have accidentally flown into buildings like this? But then it all began to unfold.

My parents didn't know where I was in relation to where this was happening. I think I started right then to do all I could to make it not about me. "No, no, no, this is way downtown. I'm on 44th street. Nowhere near it. This won't affect me."

I don't know if I talked to The Guy, I must have, but I don't remember what was said.

At some point Jenny got into the city from where she was now living in Queens. She was supposed to show up at work but when she got there the restaurant wasn't going to be opened so she came over. We were together the entire day. When I think of that day I think of Jenny. Once again, what would I have done without her?

We watched tv all day and weren't sure what this meant or what NYC was going to be like. That night, the next day, this week, this month. I don't know how far ahead I thought back then. The younger you are the more immediate everything is. What did this all mean? Why were things closing? Could I take the subway? Could I leave on a plane if I had to? What should I do? How should I feel?

My roommate, Liz, the one who owned the apartment worked down there. She came home late that night having had to walk most of the way covered from head to toe in a white soot. I remember she was going to go out and drink and invited us, but that just felt too weird.

Jenny and I felt like we had to do something. Should we get dinner? Should we see if we could donate blood? We were going to have to walk it. I'll never forget that walk. It was nothing short of eerie. The streets were empty. No cars, maybe a person here and there. Everything was closed. Where was everyone?

It turned out we couldn't donate because there were more than enough volunteers. We went back to my apartment.

It was almost too much to take in. I don't know if I was as scared on that day as I was baffled and putting on my bravest face.

In my NYC journals, I've got an entry on August 19 and then it skips to Sept 12. On the 12th it's a paragraph that must have been taken from a movie or a play, I'm not sure where it's from. Friday Sept. 14 is the next real entry I've got.

I may not remember what happened on exact dates right after, but I do remember my growing fear. For what seemed like a long time after, even Times Square was nearly empty. What had happened to this magical city I'd wanted to move to since I was 9 years old? Where was everyone? What was this invisible, somber veil that had fallen over my new home? Was it going to be like this forever? Everyone was scared. There was talk on tv about subways being bombed. Did I even dare ride it right now?

A night or two after the attack, there was going to be a candlelight vigil at Union Square and I was going to meet The Guy. I had to hop on the subway and what was a short ride seemed too long for comfort to me. I was alone, I was underground and felt claustrophobic. I was shaking and I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest.

When I got out near 14th street, this was the closest to the towers I'd been since it happened. I was searching for The Guy in a crowd of people, still shaking and heart still pounding. I can feel it all again as I type this.

He was a lot calmer than I was. He seemed to be surprised I was as upset as I was. There was something in the air. I didn't want to stay there long. It was burning my eyes. And that smell. I'll never forget that smell. The only way I've ever been able to describe it...is it smelled like death. I didn't want to stay. I didn't want to breathe it in.

I was going to post the Sept. 14th entry but as I re-read it, it's so intimate I think I'm going to keep it just for me. I will tell you a little about it, however. I write about knowing I should be documenting what's happening "for my future grandchildren". But I really don't write about it. I've always been this way. When something is so big, I often don't take the time to feel the impact or deal with it until much later. It's my protection, my defense. I do write about finally being able to stay with The Guy in the "midst of so much chaos" and how it was so nice to shut ourselves off, just for a night, "in the middle of what could be a war". That night I felt "protected, shut away in another world". The next afternoon, "we slept on and off. We were tightly wrapped and intertwined, tossing and turning occasionally but always finding each other. Always holding each other. My heart was pounding.".

As I look back on all of this, I see that where I might not have had the words of comfort I'd been looking for from him, I was grateful to have a person to be with right then. That maybe actions did speak a little louder than words and I don't know what I would have done without having someone to just hold me.

I have come to learn over the years that 9/11 did have a greater impact on me than I knew. It made me experience a fear I'd never known. It changed everything about the joy I'd had in flying and my airport experiences as I'd travel back and forth from NYC to SLC. I used to love it. Then I hated it. I still do.

I remember after I'd left NYC and moved home seeing a special on 9/11 some years later and as they explained step by step and showed in animation what happened exactly to the buildings as the planes hit. It was the zillionth time I'd seen it. I felt like I'd never escape the footage in the years right after. But this time, I tried to really listen. I truly tried to let it sink in and I let out some emotion for the first time.

I didn't know I had any to let out still, until this 10 year anniversary weekend approached. I have felt a tidal wave of emotion just under the surface. I've kept in under control but I'm pretty sure there will be tears at some point today. It's just too big. It's just too much. I know it will come out at some point. Maybe when I talk to Jenny via phone later.

I see now how this part fits into the tale of "My NYC Diaries" and perhaps explains a lot I didn't even know until a decade had gone by, until I'd grown up a little and gained some perspective. All this time I felt like I didn't have a right to feel impacted by 9/11. But I see now this was a part of my story, something that happened in not only my lifetime, but the most impressionable time in my life and in the very city I was living in. I see why Jenny was and is so special to me and why I was so attached to The Guy.

It's a lot. It's a lot to take in.

It's a piecing together of the puzzle of my life and what has made me me. Why I react the way I do and that it's okay to feel how I feel. What would it have been like if it would have happened now? Or in ten years from now? Or twenty? Or if I had been five? Or if I hadn't been in NYC? Would I have been impacted differently? Absolutely. But the fact that I was where I was when I was makes it my story.

I'm not sure how to end this post, other than to tell you this was just the cathartic thing I needed. It's taken me ten years to be ready to share it and to realize as I said in the beginning that it happened to the world. That while it happened to people in varying degrees, some less and some far greater than I could ever imagine, that it happened to me too.

I was in the world when it happened and I have my own little story to tell.

It may not be the story you expected or the story you hear often. It's not a political story, but a coming of age story. A little slice of life. And it's mine.

And there you have it.

* * * * * *

In July of this year when I went to NYC I went to see the construction where the towers once stood. It was dark and you couldn't get too close, but I did manage to get this picture...

Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html

My New York Diaries - Part 17

2011-09-10T11:10:00.007-06:00

My New York Diaries - Part 16

2011-09-08T16:30:00.003-06:00

My New York Diaries - Part 15

2011-09-06T12:41:00.005-06:00

Well look at that!

2011-08-23T21:26:00.006-06:00

As always, in this biz when it rains it pours and when there's drought...well then there's drought.

I just started rehearsal yesterday for "A Doll House" (a new translation by the super talented and sweet Eric Samuelsen and yes, it's spelled correctly not to be confuses with "A Doll's House for those who will wonder, ha ha). We rehearse like crazy to put on a staged reading for a one afternoon only benefit, which is on Sunday. Script in hand but fully blocked.

I've also been cast in the world premiere of "A Man Enters" at Salt Lake Acting Company which will start rehearsing in October and run through November. The cast will get together for a read through for the playwrights (a mom & daughter, how cool is that?!) on Monday.

At the end of September I'll be spending two full days in a workshop/reading of a new play, by Eric Samuelsen as well.

It will be a busy next couple months! Thank goodness!

Just wanted to upadate everyone on what will be going on so you don't think I've fallen off the face of the earth...when I have to fall off the face of the earth for a bit.

I'm still planning on getting back to my NYC Diaries but just haven't had a chance. I will soon though, before I forget where I was!

We'll also be out of town for a few days next month to attend a wedding of some of our closest friends. Can't wait to see them exchange their vows and have one last little get away before it's a wrap on summer 2011!

It gets harder to find time for YouTube vids, but the full "Twilight" trailer should soon be released and myself and my cast / crew of the "Twilight" parodies always look SO forward to that!

I was booked on a shoot recently and met not one, but TWO local youtubers! I really didn't know there were any others and vice versa. We will definitely be collabing in the future. And there's someone else who will be making a surprise appearance in in an upcoming vid that will be pretty epic...so stay tuned!

It's been a few months now of major gym time. Weights and machines and all things I never thought I'd be interested in. I'm addicted and I'm slowly but surely beginning to see results. It's so strange to get used to, but pretty amazing to find you're stronger than you think and see your strength increase as you stick with it. What was so hard when you first set foot in the gym becomes too easy and you bump up your weights...then again...and again. This picture is such a big deal to me. For my body and the way it's looked my whole life this is quite a difference. I was so excited to compare, I have to share:

I NEVER thought my arms would look like this. Yes, it's just a beginning and I don't want much more than this...I don't think...but damn I'm proud of sticking to it and being proud of going religiously. I strongly recommend hitting the gym. It truly is magic for your mood and confidence.

Thanks for reading! More soon!

Tweet me @DeenaMarie

Plastic Surgery

2011-08-15T16:22:00.007-06:00

You know what bugs me? When a famous person says they have not had plastic surgery when they clearly have. There are some who will admit to it, some who have "no comment", and others who flat out say the "never" have.

Now, I understand that it's nobody's business. I hate invasive questions too. How old are you? Are you going to have a baby? How much did that cost? Have you had plastic surgery? Are all in the taboo category.

But being in the public eye is a little different, even when you didn't set out to be a role model, there is a level of responsibility that comes along with the territory.

Especially when it comes to this subject. Body image. So many women struggle with their body image. Most of us. I have, and I hate when it's happened and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I would never want to pass it on to a child or a younger relative or friend.

This is why it pisses me off when someone DENIES plastic surgery. Yes, it's rude to be asked that question. So either tell the person asking it to fuck off, it's none of their business, or be proud we live in a day and age you were able to fix something you didn't like, and recommend your surgeon!

Kim K and Megan Fox are two who always say they have NOT done anything. Ladies, COME ON! Look at the pictures above. Sorry, but you don't morph like that as you age. You do not magically lose your lines, get a smaller nose, a lifted brow or fuller lips. That is the work of a (really great) surgeon. I hate that these ladies lie and that young girls will believe them. I think it's irresponsible to let young girls believe that that is a natural progression. I hate that they're saying you just wake up like this one day?! Please. We all wish, but please.

I am all for plastic surgery. Ain't no shame in a nip tuck. Who cares what someone wants to do to themselves? Who cares what someone finds attractive, or wants to look like? It's their body, it's their money, we have a means to do it. So do it. But don't be a dumbass about it.

Be honest so the younger generation has a better understanding. Some will make the decision to remain natural some will know that a little help is out there and can prepare and plan for it. Either way is okay. Just be honest, or plead the fifth. No lies, please.

That's all.

Time warp!

2011-08-13T18:55:00.004-06:00

So the last few days I've had part of a song stuck in my head and I've been meaning to look it up again and play it. I just remembered. I also remembered this song as being popular a few years ago. I just watched three clips of it on YouTube, including two live performances. It was from FIFTEEN YEARS AGO! Whaaaaaaaaaat? Fifteen? How? How is this possible? Looking at the cute young face of this singer and realizing this was that long ago made me think he probably looks nothing like that now and I stopped myself from googling the band. I just needed a minute to catch my breath. It just hit me in a totally different way how FAST time goes. How quickly our youth will be over. Woah. That just freaked me out. I honestly didn't think that much time had passed, it seemed like just a couple of years. I must be getting old.

Curse you, father time!

This also comes on the heels of a conversation with a friend earlier this week when the subject of fear came up. What do you fear most? I realized I fear getting old. And I've been thinking a lot about that this week. I want to be forever young. I feel young. I don't ever want the outside to...not match what is on the inside. I wish I could freeze myself right now forever.

How do you accept the fact that you will age? Wrinkle? Be old? Change?

How?

It's that time again...Voyeur Ed!

2011-08-02T11:39:00.007-06:00

The new series of videos for "Saturday's Voyeur" at Salt Lake Acting Company are here. There are three this year to advertising /teach/ excite you for the 2011 summer production. I LOVE getting to be in these. They are SO fun to film. I could do this all day, every day.

Enjoy!

#1

#2

#3

My favorite screen shot:

I had a caption contest on facebook.com/TheDeenaShow and here's what you sillies came up with:

John Alonzo ‎"Is that it? I thought it would be bigger?"
July 23 at 9:58am · Unlike · 2 people

Rafa Fantastica ‎"One trillion dollahs!"
July 23 at 9:59am · Unlike · 1 person

Alain Lovelyvoices Very nice!
July 23 at 9:59am · Unlike · 1 person

Charles Kinbote ‎"Wouldn'cha know it..."
July 23 at 10:00am · Unlike · 1 person

Allison Chappell ‎"Well. Now isn't that speeeeshuullll"
July 23 at 10:04am · Unlike · 1 person

Andrew Lowe St Trinians?
July 23 at 10:09am · Unlike · 1 person

Rafa Fantastica ‎"Like. A. Bosssss"
July 23 at 10:09am · Unlike · 1 person

Josh Ryan So, THAT'S where Carmen Sandiego is.
July 23 at 10:12am · Unlike · 2 people

Dan Smith ‎"surely you have more Nerds in the stock room"
July 23 at 10:21am · Unlike · 2 people

Marques Shaw ‎"Can't stop here. This is bat country."
July 23 at 1:15pm · Unlike · 1 person

Blargal Iannotti Caption: "Yeah,RIGHT,it shrinks in the cold"
July 23 at 1:15pm · Unlike · 1 person

David Hill Thats where my old glasses went. LOL.
July 23 at 2:20pm · Unlike · 1 person

Lance Reeder Mmmmm I just burnt my tongue
July 23 at 3:16pm · Unlike · 1 person

Greg Dunn She realized in the very instant the picture wass snapped that someone had put super glue in her lipstick.
July 23 at 3:44pm · Unlike · 1 person

Mark Bellamy The answer is yes...you are in trouble.
July 23 at 4:59pm · Unlike · 1 person
Deena Marie Manzanares likes this.

Tweet me @DeenaMarie

I can't.

2011-07-29T12:37:00.005-06:00

Ugh. I haven't felt quite ready to write since I got back from NYC.
Not about what's going on in my life now or to return to "my New York diaries."

I've been in a little bit of a jumble ever since I came back.
I am trying to figure out what it's all about.
I don't quite feel like myself at the moment. A little out of sorts.

Something's gotta give.

Ever since I came back...

For now, this about sums up my life...

Return from NYC!

2011-07-16T11:55:00.027-06:00

When I woke up thursday morning, knowing it was my last day there, I couldn't stop tearing up. I had to try not to burst into tears twice in the lobby. I loved my trip. I loved, loved, loved my trip. I really needed it. I had the best time, it felt so good to be away, to be there and to be with new people and places. Old and new really, the change of scenery is just what I needed. By the time I got in late on thursday night I was sleep deprived. Emotionally and physically exhausted and practically delirious. Yesterday I woke up in a major funk. I hated that I couldn't rush out the door and into the busy street, see another broadway show in the evening and end the night with my friends at a new bar. Absolutely hated it. I'm still trying to shake a bit of the funk today...

I stayed at the Hotel Pennsylvania on 33rd & 7th. It was big and old. Not the best place I've stayed but not the worst. I never care much about where I'm staying as long as it's in midtown.

I dunno wtf this stain was...

I always go to Chelsea. Chelsea Market is where I had lunch everyday for years. It always has new stores but many are the same. I ate a delicious sandwich from Hale & Hearty and was glad to see Ruths, where I used to get my daily coffee, was still there. I only wished I would have had time to eat at Chelsea Tai, where my favorite pad tai is.

Walked passed Flight on my last day, the bar we always hung out in as students.

I've said for YEARS that my very favorite mexican restaurant is Mary Ann's in Chelsea. I eat there every time I go. I always get the same thing, the Sixteenth Street. Oh man. It was DELICIOUS as always.

I have always liked to spend some time sitting alone in Lincoln Center. My old classrooms at Juilliard looked out over this courtyard. Took this picture when I went to purchase my ticket to "War Horse". And yes, the play was amazing. One of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. I just wanted to cry and cry by the end, but I couldn't because I'd ruin my makeup and I was meeting friends right after. All I wanted was to hold Noodles while watching it. I can't even tell you the story of it or think of Albert's voice saying "Good boy, Joey!" Without choking up. My god.

Had some LATE nights. Don't even think about waking me up with your housekeeping! NO MOLESTE! :)

This is the subway I'd get out of each day to go to school.:)

There was the day of the call back. By a strange turn of events and connections made here in SLC, I was invited to a callback and was able to perform a whole bunch of material in front of a big NYC casting director as well as a brilliant local playwright and director(s) from a theatre in MA. I was lucky and grateful and am left wanting more of those opportunities and chances to perform elsewhere.

Billy is one of my very favorites. We met in NYC years ago and have managed to stay in touch and see each other every so often. We have a blast. My first night there we went to six bars. Some were old haunts and some were new to me. Arlene's Grocery was my favorite place. Monday night karoke!

He took this pic of me before my first subway ride of the trip!

John is another favorite friend. We met at at YouTube gathering. Our connection was instant and we were attached at the hip the next four days. We hadn't seen each other in two years. It was so great to be in the same place again.

I saw "Spider-Man". If you know me, then you know Spidey is my favorite superhero. You know how I could've cared less what critics were saying about the show and that I couldn't wait to see a freaking Spider-Man musical with my own eyes. You also may know that I once did a show with Patrick Page (Green Goblin) and you may have heard me say he is arguably the best actor I've ever observed in "real life". You also may know that through reading about the show, I became a fan of Reeve Carney (Spider-Man). So I stayed after to say hi to Patrick and to tell Reeve he is a rockstar.

And by the way? The show is fun as hell. I'd see it again, for the "Bouncing of the Walls" number alone.

There is no such thing as cute, comfortable shoes for NYC. There's just not.

I'm still trying to process it all and try to figure out what happens next. It's always so special and emotional (obviously) when I'm there. I wish I could be in two places at once.

John took and posted this of me across the platform on my last night and titled it "Hard to say goodbye"...

So long, smell ya later!

2011-07-10T09:42:00.005-06:00

It's here, kids!

Time to take off & see what I can see. Leaving early tomorrow morning, back on thursday night. Work and play. Play and work. I also found out that I booked a job I'd been hoping for through my agency. They are working around my schedule (that's rare) so I'll be back in town just in time to shoot. I'll be on set all day friday and again the next monday. What a week this will be!

I'll have LOTS to report and I'll also be anxious to get back to my "New York Diaries" portion of this blog.

See you in a week!

I'll be tweeting here & there so follow me! @Deena Marie

Smell ya later! ;)

PS Take a little Rumi with you this week...I know I will :)

"What you seek is seeking you."

"If you are irritated by every rub, how will you be polished?"

"Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious."

"Let Yourself Be Silently Drawn By the Stronger Pull Of That Which You Really Love."

"Do not be satisfied with the stories that come before you. Unfold your own myth."

Prove it!

2011-07-09T16:29:00.008-06:00

Unless you live under a rock, you know that Kim Kardashian's ass is 100% real.
She got an x-ray on tv to prove it to you. Yes, you. Isn't that big of her? Pun intended.

Megan Fox also jumped on the "prove it" bandwagon this week, showing us that she can't possibly have had botox because if she had...she couldn't make her forehead do this:

So not one to be left out, I bring you a pic of my own. This was taken behind the scenes of a photo shoot a month or two ago. I know you've all been wondering...how can they possibly be real? But yes, oh yes. They are.

I think I'm sooooooo funny.

All kidding aside, I actually have very strong opinions about body image, plastic surgery and the media.

Maybe one day when I'm feeling real ballsy, you'll get that blog.

For now, tweet me @DeenaMarie

Holla!

Perseverance, Perseverance, Perseverance.

2011-07-06T16:54:00.007-06:00

I quite possibly may be stumbling upon the meaning of life...

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
~Josh Billings

I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday. ~Author Unknown

Never think that God's delays are God's denials. Hold on; hold fast; hold out. Patience is genius.
~Georges-Louis Leclerc

With ordinary talent and extraordinary perseverance, all things are attainable. ~Thomas Foxwell Buxton

Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go.
~William Feather

TWEET ME @DEENAMARIE

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I'm into it.

2011-07-04T14:58:00.012-06:00

The Office. OMFG how is it that I haven't mentioned this in a previous post yet?!
The last couple months I started at episode one and watched straight through. I was addicted. I've never loved a show (comedy) more. I'm a little obsessed. I'm pretty sure I'm Dwight's biggest fan. I even dreamed we were hanging out and he was throwing me in a swimming pool. What does it all mean?! I'm also pretty sure I'm going to need therapy to deal with the loss of Michael Scott. And to deal with the fact I'm out of episodes for now. I'm also having a hard time believing that they're not real people. That means that my dream of a 24/7 live feed of Dunder Mifflin probably won't happen. It also means that I probably can't change careers and take a job there, right next to Oscar and Kevin. I won't be able to bring back Cafe Disco and I certainly won't spend a night at Schrute Farms.

I'm into my new hat.

I'm into the Glee Project.
#TeamCameronMitchell watch it. Find him on twitter & facebook & support the hell outta him.

I'm into my YouTube friend, Michael Buckley of the What the Buck Show for always helping and supporting my online life and for being simply amazeballs. Go subscribe to all his channels right now. Drop what you're doing and go. Good bunnies.

I'm into doing all that is in my power to make all my dreams come true. I'm proud to be moving forward in "fighting the good fight" and not allowing myself to accept otherwise.

I'm into these quotes:

‎"Never stop dreaming. Follow the omens."

"No matter what he does, every person on earth plays a central role in the history of the world."

"God turns you from one feeling to another and teaches by means of opposites, so that you will have two wings to fly, not one."

I'm into the book I just finished, "The Pilgrimage" by Paulo Coelho
and I suggest you read the blog I wrote about it last month:
http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/fighting-good-fight.html

I'm into following my heart more than ever from here on out.

I'm into Spiderman. But that's nothing new. What IS new is that I just got my row D ticket to Spiderman on bway in the mail and I'll be there in a week. I don't care what you've heard or read about it. I. can't. wait. And you know I'll be waiting after to meet Peter Parker. I need to buy a new dress. I mean, what does one wear to meet SPIDERMAN?! Especially when he looks like this. Oh dear.

I'm into working out. Ready to start week 6 in the gym for cardio followed by weights and resistance and continue on this path to be what I want to be physically. 5-6 days a week, baby. I'm so proud of myself.

I'm into the poem in th note my friend Emma tagged me in on facebook.

The following is a poem, introduced to me by one of the most powerful souls I've encountered. It speaks to the lexicon of my soul. To know you in this way is my highest wish. This is the tapestry of which I wish to weave our relations... Allow me passage into your heat, offering privy the truest essence of who you are. I offer the same. I love you, now, in this moment. Thank you for coloring my world so brilliantly.

Always,
Emma

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

That's about it for now... tweet me, huh?
@DeenaMarie

My New York Diaries - Part 14

2011-07-03T15:59:00.005-06:00

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

That summer at CAP21 I became close to a few of my fellow students. There was Matt, who was the other "favorite" of the acting teachers. We nailed whatever scene or exercise we were assigned and often had magical moments. Particularly in a scene from "Key Exchange" and in a monologue I delivered to him from "Romeo & Juliet".

Ashley was a squeaky clean very young looking performer. You know how sometimes you meet people that seem to really like you and you're not quite sure why? They are drawn to you and desperately put themselves in a position to get to know you and be around you? That was Ashley. I guess it goes back to being an only child, but I have always liked to take a little time out for myself when I'm around groups of people for a long time. So I often chose to go to lunch alone. I'd rush out as fast as I could when it was our lunch break. I would get a sandwich at Subway because while it wasn't the closest place, it was out of the way and I liked that bit of time to myself. One day Ashley caught up with me as I was making my usual mad dash and invited herself. She made it known on the walk there that she completely agreed with me, that it was nice to get away from school for awhile and she liked going with me much better. Great. Now I had a little lunch buddy. She sold merchandise at "Les Miz" and was certain it was going to get her a job in the show. She told me one day over pizza in midtown that her rendition of "On My Own" was "better than anyone I know".

Then there was Paul and Diana. They were my favorites. Paul was young but very mature and an adorable gay boy. Diana was from Brazil. She was loud, funny, everyones favorite and could belt like nobody's business.

I'll never forget her renditions of "Maybe this time" and "A New Life". She had such a natural gift. It came so easy to her, but it was almost too much for her to handle. The way she had to stand to brace herself for this enormous sound to come out was unlike anything I'd ever seen. That was one of the most interesting things about acting school. Both at CAP and at ATC. Seeing everyone's beginning. What they could do and could not yet do. What they were aware of and not yet aware of. How they learned to harness their gifts. Watching how everyone developed and gained awareness was nothing short of incredible.

I went out with Paul and Diana a few times. I have pictures of us all out for mexican food and margaritas. I really loved hanging out with them but a threesome is awkward. I remember feeling like they were really bonding and I felt a little left out.

I was in awe of the bios of all our teachers back then. Tours, broadway, you name it. Once one of my dance teachers and I found ourselves alone in the bathroom at the same time. I was so excited to get the chance to ask her some questions and show her how I'd read her bio by asking her about certain roles she played. She seemed pretty young and I was in awe of all she'd done. Plus, she had a tattoo of her sign on her ankle that I thought was pretty badass. Performers weren't supposed to get tattoos, right? We'd both played the role of Diana in productions of "A Chorus Line" so I figured that was a good place to start. But when I tried to talk to her she was very cold and gave me one word answers. I told her I'd done the show, too. "Judy?" She asked. "Uh, no. Diana." I responded. "Oh". She said and left. Um...okay.

One day toward the end of CAP I snuck out of a ballet class early and got yelled at by that teacher the next time she saw me. This teacher was older, she'd been doing this a long time and she didn't take any bullshit. Oops. I felt bad, I felt guilty. I was disappointed in myself. If I remember correctly I had no excuse other than I was being lazy that day. I was tired, and I'm pretty sure I wanted to get out and see The Guy.

I remember a voice teacher I had who was very supportive and made sense to me. I liked learning from. I liked the new songs he was introducing me to. I always wished I'd had the funds to continue on in private lessons with him.

I passed his info to The Guy who needed an emergency vocal coach once. I can't remember why he needed him, he wasn't a musical theatre performer. The Guy came back with a story about going to his house where the voice teacher kept referring to what The Guy was pretty sure was his partner as his "houseguest" and later that night when I was at The Guy's he kept calling me his houseguest.

At CAP one day we played a game one day called "Essences". I loved this game and I've always wanted to play it again within a group of friends in a cast or class. You sit in a circle and each person takes a turn. If it's your turn, you choose someone in the circle but you don't reveal who you've picked. You go around the circle then and everyone asks you a question such as: What season are they? What scent would they be? What color would they be? What animal would they be? etc. You can be creative in your questioning and when someone thinks they know who it is based on your answers they can ask you. It's fascinating. Fascinating to see how people see you and how, depending on who it is and how well you know each other, you can almost guess quickly. After we played, I journaled what others had said about me.

July 20

I'm sensual, mysterious, mature with a hint of naiveté as well as facade. A hawk, a peacock, forest green, a plum, france, turkey, a sugar coated pastry, fall...this is all according to Matt by the way. To Paul and Diana I'm jade, pink, sparrow, hyena, vodka, a cosmo, mexican food, pink.

* * * * * * * *

I'm glad I wrote those down. I never would have remembered otherwise and it's still interesting to me. Most of those weren't and are not how I would see, identify with or describe myself. I'd be so curious to hear what others would see so many years later, as a woman.

Meanwhile back in The Bronx, the foreign roommate that I literally never saw the entire time I lived there was suddenly moving out. A new roommate would be coming in! This time it was a guy, Darren. He looked like a young Mark Wahlberg. We became fast friends and started to hang out. He was mysterious. He was nice and we got along but he had a little bit of a bad boy vibe and I'm sure he did alright with the ladies. Upon meeting him you might have thought he was in NYC to be an actor, but no. He was a musician. And not the kind of musician you'd expect. I went to see him a few times, once where he was playing in a pretty nice restaurant. I went with Paul from CAP. Darren would play the guitar and sing some surprisingly pretty mellow stuff. One of his signature songs was "Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay"! We also went dancing a few times, to huge crowded clubs in the city and stayed until the wee hours of the morning.

I remember he liked to smoke the ganja and was always knocking on my door to see if I wanted to partake. That wasn't really my thing so most of the time I said no, but always thought it was, um, nice of him to ask. And ask again.

One day he knocked on my door because someone had given him a box full of cigarettes. Cartons and cartons of lucky strikes. He knocked to offer me my own carton. Those I took from him, and took out on the town with The Guy and his roomate, Ty. We went to a beautiful, hip, modern bar where I almost wasn't let in. The Guy said not to worry, Ty could always get around this. Ty talked to the man at the door, I don't know what was said but the next thing I knew we were inside. Upstairs at a table in one of the coolest NYC bars I'd seen yet, smoking my lucky strikes from Marky Mark.

I was loving seeing The Guy and always getting butterflies in my stomach when I knew I'd be seeing The Guy. I don't think I could still grasp the concept that it was real. I still couldn't get over how handsome he was and how he was there to meet me when I'd see him coming down the sidewalk. I lived for the weekend when I could cross my fingers and hope for a call. I was always nervous about it and while I was certainly enjoying myself, a part of me was waiting for it all to mess up or disappear. Anytime he wanted to see me I'd drop what I was doing and jump at the chance.

My second year at Atlantic would be starting up soon. This was the year you had to be invited back for. While I wasn't worried about not getting an invite it was a sigh of relief to receive my letter in the mail to confirm my spot. And it wasn't really a surprise to anyone when Martha was not asked back.

Now that year one was done, we could also audition. I'd begun to go to auditions as soon as I could. I booked a reading pretty quickly. Wasn't a big deal, but it was nice to do something else. I also started auditioning for "The Donkey Show." I auditioned three times. As it turned out, three times was the charm...

Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html

Creature Panache: Black Chandelier

2011-07-02T13:30:00.013-06:00

Last friday I walked the runway for Creature Panache, the Black Chandelier runway benefit.

I've modeled for BC numerous times, but I gotta say this was the first time I've been in a fashion show wearing only body paint.

But actually, I felt more covered up than I have in certain theatre or burlesque performances!

It almost looks like a wetsuit! I loved how it turned out. And just in case there are any prudes of pervs...NO i'm NOT completely nude. You're not seeing anything other than you'd see in a swimsuit ;)

One day when I'm old and wrinkled I'll look back at these pics fondly and remember what it was like to hit the gym and feel damn good walking that runway!

Some of the most talented peeps you'll meet...

Photos: Ethan Killian
Body Painter: Gailon Justus
MUA: Danielle Carlsen
Hair: Salon Tantrum
Black Chandelier Designer: Rachel Domingo

My New York Diaries - Part 13 (with an extra shot)

2011-07-01T13:22:00.003-06:00

My New York Diaries - Part 12

2011-06-29T13:05:00.004-06:00

Make it so.

2011-06-27T18:25:00.002-06:00

Just wanted to tell you two things.

1.) I'll resume the NYC blogs in the next day or two.

2.) I've decided today that I'm going to make all of my wildest dreams come true. Simple as that. There is no other way. You hear me, universe? Let's make it so.

"happy & healthy" - blog by Leann Rimes

2011-06-25T16:35:00.004-06:00

PLEASE read:

"I love you and want to see you happy and healthy"

http://www.leannrimesworld.com/blog/leann-rimes-cmt-new-original-movie-reel-love

WELL SAID, Leann Rimes!
My sentiments exactly.

tweet me: @deenamarie

Buzzin' around.

2011-06-23T09:43:00.015-06:00

It's a busy time!

Had to get some important things filmed and sent off.
But made sure to take a real important pic or two while at the studio.

Got to have lunch with my friend Kori who I haven't seen in ages. She has a 7 month old now and he's pretty much the cutest baby I've ever seen in my life.

Still getting in my gym time, week four and I'm addicted!

Tomorrow night is the Black Chandelier runway show. A combination of models body painted by local artists as well as lovely wardrobe. Yours truly? Paint only. Oh my.
That's me on the poster.

Saturday morning my dear friend Gabe is in town and we get to have brunch.

Saturday night I'm judging a talent contest, just call me Simon.

Sunday is our "Hair" reunion. Yes, the tribe is [almost] all in town and we'll be having a pool party, one year later!

Got a pic back from last weeks Fashion Stroll, but still waiting to see more from all the lines and creations I got to wear.
Especially the one with the sandwich hat on my head. Yeah, you heard me.

Planning my time in NYC. Figuring out my schedule, when to see shows, deciding what shows to see and coordinating with friends in the city. I can't wait. I'm so excited I can't stand it. Especially in the midst of writing "my new york diaries". It will be interesting to see how I feel on this trip, particularly. Right now, the time can't come fast enough. Although I wish I would've tacked another day or two onto my trip now.

That's it for now!
Tweet me @DeenaMarie

My New York Diaries - Part 11

2011-06-21T11:54:00.005-06:00

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

After school wrapped up the second semester we were done for the year. Wow. My first year of Acting School in NYC! It was a year of such change, and all at once. Leaving everything and everyone I'd ever known at home. Moving away from my childhood home to be in NYC. Having to find an apartment. Having to learn the subway system. Not even knowing how to do my own laundry or cook a thing. Thrown into a city where I could get into clubs and bars under age. Falling head over heels for The Guy. The heavy school load. Going from getting every leading role in every show I'd ever wanted, feeling like the "chosen one" to being just another student. I wasn't used to that. Was I still special? None of us even being allowed to audition for the first year. Not knowing how to take care of myself or my body. Making poor decisions. Overeating. Drinking too much.

When I'd first moved there I was timid. I felt out of place. I felt scared. It was in my body language and I wasn't even aware of it at first. I moved timidly through the streets, literally, and was constantly being bumped into and shoved. I soon did a 180 and was barreling my way through the streets in no time. But I didn't realize I was over compensating. Approaching everything as if someone was out to get me. Behaving rudely off the bat in order to survive. Shoving back. So many people seemed to be rude. Sales people everywhere were so different than they were in SLC. I couldn't believe it. I took on their behavior but it began to eat away at me.

I was having a hard time with marrying my NYC and SLC lives. My life in SLC had changed, I'd changed, friendships there had changed. Even my home life had changed and my childhood home and beloved bedroom was no more.

I was hoping to move out of my apt. in the Bronx sometime the next year, I was dying to be in the city. I was hoping to find a sense of home in NYC.

It was all too much. Too much for 19 year old me to take on and process in a healthy way. When school was out I fell into a sadness. A sadness I didn't want to admit to.

My journals jump here, I went awhile without writing. But thankfully the next entry is practically a summary of what was going on during that time.

June 3

"Where to begin Where to even begin? So here I am, come full circle back in SLC. The snow globe, no, my snow globe, enclosed in those mountains I once wanted to be gone from. I think about all that went on on this snow globe alone, how much has and is and always will go on outside of it. How it once was my world, my oyster, and how now the mountains have closed in a little. A little more each time I'm home. How good it smells here. How safe it feels. How peaceful, how easy, how perfect it is. I'm constantly evolving, always changing, learning and growing. Realizing, realizing! What a time for reflection it's been. What a dark period I'm out of now. Knowing how to answer the question of how life is in NYC.

I'm happy. I'm scared to even write it. So many things I'm scared to write, feel, think. I'm afraid if I'm at peace, and even dare to breathe it will all disappear. I feel the shattered, out of order pieces of my life falling, sliding into place and I don't want to lose that. Something tells me I wont know that I've survived the toughest year of my life and can come out on top. There's been so many versions of me. I feel like they were different people. Tonight my mom said she felt as though I put myself on hold while in NYC this first year. I agree. I was on auto pilot.

Now that I'm home to reflect and re-gather myself, I can't believe how tough this year was. I'd never want to live it again. I didn't have time to think about what I was doing. I never let it sink in the entire time I was there. I feel as though I've wasted a year of my life. Or an important few months, anyway. Not in the way of pursuing my goals, chasing a dream or working on the career, but personally. I was neglectful, stupid and completely abusive. Destructive, even. I was letting my body go. I couldn't get myself straightened out in the way of what was now "right" or "wrong". Doing anything and everything along the way because I wasn't myself. I was desperately and rapidly trying to put all these pieces together, to build a life. A new identity. I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted to be a party girl. A lot of drunken nights I'd like to forget. Friends (okay, Martha) that I didn't like. Trying to like Mark, sleeping with him, finding disappointments and no satisfaction along the way. Chaos. Complete chaos.

I don't remember what Christmas vacation was to me there. Something other than what I wanted or expected, I'm sure, since that was always the case with me. Realizing how fucking fat I was, not seeing Rob and thinking our friendship was just one more thing I'd fucked up. Getting my act together a bit more and determined to work harder when I'd go home. Today is the first day I can write. Really write, honestly and deeply. It was always so therapeutic. And it really shows me how much I put myself on the back burner. If I even put myself on a burner at all, because something had happened to me there. I so desperately needed to write, but every time I'd try, I couldn't. I couldn't have if my life depended on it.

Anyway, I don't even remember my plane ride home from Christmas vacation. I do remember opening that door to my room that morning in the Bronx, laying out my clothes from y suitcase so they wouldn't look too awful, laying down and falling asleep for barely two hours in the wee hours of the morning before I had to be at work study. How that room was musty. Unfeeling, suddenly. How I had one week of work study to make up before school started. How I'd run up my cell phone bill a thousand dollars and had no phone. How I felt sad but didn't dare to think of it so I could still thrive somehow...

...the first six weeks of that spring semester much better. Me busting my ass big time for school. Me going back to SLC for one week of spring break. Such weird, bad energy. It all happened so fast. I didn't tell friends I'd be home. It was so boring all day by myself I would have been better off in NYC. Even The Guy called! The next and last six weeks of the spring semester were much more lazy. More positive in some ways, but at the same time the worst of my life. I was done with the god damn technique, I felt schooled - out. I was more homesick each passing day. Realizing my joy was performing. Plays, which I hadn't done since september.

I hated Martha and loathed the thought of her in my apartment. I hated my fucking apartment. Hated the neighborhood. The fuckers that yell and stare and hiss on the streets and in the deli's I'm forced to go to right by my place, where I couldn't stay out of during a sugar (namely cookie) addiction (which I've now conquered, thank god). I'd eat a whole fucking bag by myself in two days!

The subway rides were getting longer and even more grueling each ride. By the time school was out I found myself at an all time low. I was so depressed. I'd watch t.v. all day and night. For one weekend I was actually even panicked to walk outside, let alone peel myself up out of bed to walk to the bathroom. When I went outside I was scared, confused and disoriented. I couldn't make any kind of decisions. I didn't have a desire to do a thing. I was lethargic.

But now that I'm reflecting it wasn't all bad. In school, second semester totally surpassed fall semester. I absolutely loved my group and grew like you wouldn't believe as an actress. I went on an incredible journey with "Golden Boy" as well as closed my first year with it by having the last scene of it on the last day of the last class with Tucker. I was one of three first years to do the All School Presentation, and the only first year to do a scene for Mamet.

I ended up getting my ass to auditions, though. Some bad, some good. Then my aunt Adrianna came to visit..."

Adrianna was the aunt who was best friends with Kyle. Kyle from the very beginning of my NYC journey. She had lived in NYC herself, for ten years. At first she worked as a nanny then later in the legal field. She had her share of crazy stories, nights out, good and bad apartments, friends and broken hearts. She often came to NYC to visit.

She was coming right smack in the middle of my darkest hour. I wasn't really up for visitors...but maybe someone was about to come who would truly understand? A lot happened during her visit that I'll always remember. That part of the story will come next.

Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html

My New York Diaries - Part 10

2011-06-20T16:22:00.008-06:00